I have a question that I have been asking God for . . . oh, about 18 years now. I started asking the question when life seemed incredibly, ridiculously hard. Part of me wondered, had I brought this on myself? Part of me railed at God for not moving me out of the trials. Part of me blamed others for making my life harder.

So I asked Him. Is there a difference, Lord, between Your will and Your Perfect Will? For 18 years that question has popped up repeatedly. What have I done wrong, God? Where are You? Why are things so difficult? I’m doing what you asked. I’m attending church, I’m reading the Word, I’m praying. But, good grief, why? Why all this strife? Why all this misery? What if I had not followed my heart and chose to stop to listen to You? But what about Your influence in the path that I was on?

Dear Reader, let me tell you a story . . .

I was born originally into a house of alcoholism, abuse and neglect. These are not stories that I heard of my upbringing; these are the memories I have of my childhood. At the age of 6 I was rescued. An aunt and uncle figured out the problem and I went to live with them. All of that is a story in itself. But, escape I did, and went to live with the aunt and uncle. From now on I will refer to them as Mom and Dad.

I lived with Mom and Dad from the age of 6 to the age of 12. At the age of 12, Dad decided to leave us, so I lived with Mom until the age of 25 (basically. I mean, I had that temporary stint out on my own, but you know . . .) Anyway, all of that was angst to me until I broke free of it at 19. It took me a while. I was ungrateful, angry, resentful, and took “poor, pitiful me” to a whole other level. But God got my attention, and I started making necessary changes in my thought processes. That was when I started to become friends with God. And He and I were pals. I still made mistakes. Show me a 19 year old that doesn’t! But I was learning and leaning. I was taking in what I could. It was rough and bumpy and filled with heartache, but I knew God had my back, I knew He loved me and would never leave me.

At 24 I met a man. He is currently my husband, but when I first met him, I was not impressed. He was everything I wasn’t looking for, I was sure of it. While I had grown up in a strict household and attended a very strict church, he seemed to have not had any of that. That was all just looks, on the surface, though. As I got to know him -mostly because he kept popping up in front of me, sometimes through no fault of his own- I realized that his heart was beautiful. And I fell for the heart. I didn’t know what it meant back then but looking back now I see that we were unequally yoked. While his core principles were the same and he loved God, we were still on different playing fields. At the dumb age of 24, I just believed that it gave us depth. I could not have been more wrong. What we have now because of it, is depth. What it gave us back then was heartache.

But God had a hand in it all. I just didn’t know that until MUCH later. To hear my husband say “but I prayed for you. I prayed that God would send me someone who would love me the way I needed to be loved,” actually broke my heart. God set me on this path. He directed my steps. Yes, I was foolish and made mistakes. Yes, I brought a lot of misery on myself. But it was also already orchestrated and set in motion.

He has his own story to tell and maybe one day he will let me tell it. But for now we’ll leave it at the very basic explanation that he had trust issues. Rightfully so, I might add. But still . . . I had to account for every second I wasn’t in his presence. This was before cell phones, you youngsters, so imagine having to tell someone your whereabouts every five minutes but you have lost your phone and no one around you has one either, except that ancient land line. Yeah. Deserted island and no communication but tell me where you are! It stressed me out so much while we were engaged that I broke it off. But when he apologized, and told me that he was wrong, and that he loved me, I believed it. I knew it was true! I just didn’t realize that it wasn’t fixed. And I fell for this man like a ton of bricks, y’all. There was no one else for me. There is no one else for me. We were engaged a year, then got married in 1995. Even with the break up and reconciliation, I fought his constant insecurity and the ever present demand of my time accounting for the next 5 years. At year 3, I started really getting tired of it. I was not a toddler, I was married. He was supposed to be a partner not a jailer. Had there been any indication of abuse in his nature, I would have taken off. However, there was no such bone in his body. Only insecurity and low self-esteem. So I tolerated it. And I was so in love and afraid of confrontation that I was his doormat. Whatever he wanted to accuse me of, it was fine because it wasn’t true. But then I started making poor choices. I was staying out later after work. I was taking my time coming home because I knew it drove him crazy. I would leave the house and not say where I was going. And we would go sometimes as much as a week without talking to each other. None of these were helping my marriage. But I was depressed, and frustrated and stuck between a rock of his insecurity and a hard place of my own making. At year 7 (5 years married), I snapped. I wasn’t doing it anymore. I loved him. I had two beautiful boys by him. But I was not a doormat. Something had to change. I certainly had. Gone was the old me. The new me was scary. The new me was fierce. The new me was still going to fight, but not the way I used to. For Pete’s sake! You will know I’m mad, you will understand my point, and you will back the hell off! And he, bless his heart, had no idea what to do with new Pam. I didn’t know what to do with new Pam. I scared me. I just knew it was going to be different. I was beyond sick of it.

And then I started wondering. Had I brought this on myself? Did my failure to listen to something God might have been telling me lead me down this path? Could this heartache have been avoided by running the other way from the unequal yoking? After 18 years I am still learning the difference between God’s will and God’s Perfect Will. Part of my confusion comes from the vision I had on our third date. We had been talking. I was finally attentive because I had seen his heart, but at this point I was by no means swayed. My roommate came out to tell me something, I turned to her to listen, and when I turned back around, I had a vision. My oldest son sat on his knee. I immediately turned away again. No, God. Just no. I wasn’t ever having children. My upbringing had convinced me that you can never be sure of a partner. Or that, if you were sure of them when it was just the two of you, you couldn’t be sure once kids came along.

Needless to say, I found myself married with children and still struggling. Today, if you asked “Would I do it again?”, I don’t know what my answer would be. But since we can’t go back, I can ask myself, “What can I learn from this?” But, more often, I found myself asking “was this Your will?” And I still draw a blank sometimes. Yes, I had the vision. Does that mean that God was the orchestrator, or does that mean He took my choice and formed a plan? I’ve heard it said “well, God knows everything, even the choices we make, so He is in control of everything.” And I do believe He is in control. But I also know He gives us choices. I think He sets the choices before us, wanting us to make the one that serves Him best, but allowing us to have our desires. The only way we can be in His perfect will is if we are asking Him continuously, “what is Your choice?” And then following His guidance. Where I so often trip up is in the asking for His guidance. I’m sure that, had I asked, so many of the trials could have been avoided. Had I sought God’s guidance, I could have missed some of the misery entirely. But I think that some of it still would have been my lot, because we grow from the trials. At least, we should. If you are in the middle of difficulty and your eyes are turned toward God, you can’t help but learn. If you are facing sorrow, and you don’t ask why but ask what can I learn from this, you will definitely grow in the Lord. Are you facing a storm? In the middle of difficulty? Need an answer? Stop asking “why me?” Why you? Because everyone goes through trouble, and usually because we don’t line our choices up with God’s Word or His choices. Learn to pray “Your will be done” and to ask what His will is. Part of what we fail to understand, though, is that not only do we have freedom of choice, but so do all the other people in our sphere of influence. And just because you may be following God’s guidance, doesn’t mean that everyone else is. While we are certainly subject to the consequences of our own decisions, sometimes we are also subject to the consequences of the decisions of others. There is no limit to the ways our lives are buffeted by others. The important thing is to do your part of following after God and trust that He is looking out for you. You can do nothing about the other people and their choices, nor can you force them into doing things your way. The only thing you can do is take charge of your own emotions, and then give EVERYTHING up to God.

Can you change His mind? Sure. Read Exodus, Jeremiah, Amos, Jonah. I’m not sure it’s a true change of thought, though. It seems much more a father relenting than anything else. But the “effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” He listens to us and grants us our prayers when they line up with His true nature (love) and shine the light on His glory and Presence.

Would I change His mind, if I could go back and fervently pray for a pass? I think I possibly could have. But then it wouldn’t have been me loving my husband. It would have been someone else. And they may not have done as good a job as I have. And I wouldn’t have the two beautiful man-children that I have. Because I was NEVER having kids. I could have changed God’s mind. I’m sure of it. But even with the heartache and trauma, His plan is best. So I’ll just trust His will for my life. This isn’t the life I ordered, but it’s infinitely more beautiful and meaningful that what I picked.