As an adult I learned of a “personality test” that helped me figure out what my “Love Language” is. Most of you who know me (or know someone who knows me) knows what I’m talking about. But if you don’t, read on.

There are 5 love languages: Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Whichever of these languages you speak, you probably are very good at living them. Typically, if your love language is Receiving Gifts, you give them as well as you receive them. If Words of Affirmation make you feel loved, you probably affirm the people in your life. You get the idea.

There is also the possibility that you have been deeply scarred by the wrong use/negative end of the language. If you speak Quality Time then the lack of it as a child can be detrimental to your feelings of self worth. If you cherish Acts of Service but had to fend for yourself as a child, then you are probably living the polar opposite of your language.

My Love Language is Physical Touch. In my early childhood I experienced the very negative end of my love language. When I was adopted at the age of 6, I had to learn to adapt to healthy forms of touch. I think I was very resistant to ANY touch though, because I don’t remember much of it, although it may have been there. My memory is very faulty. If I had to explain it, I’d say that if the situation wasn’t hugely life altering, I didn’t focus on the event. So much of my life, to this day, is wiped clean in my memories because it wasn’t earth shattering. I remember the important stuff, like the birth of my children. But when we went to the bay and swam that one time and it was so great, you know? No. I don’t remember. So, basically, my life is great! How can I be bogged down by that one time that kid was mean to me, if I don’t remember it? And I have recovered so much from the early trauma, thanks to Mom who was my counselor, that I operate in my love language in a healthy way.

Still, there are some memories that hang in there. Like Dad tossing me in the air, or Mama giving me a squeeze. But I think, because they are associated with touch, that is why they stick. Including the memory (well, memories) of my mom saying things like “Do you have to touch every one”, “Quit touching those”, and “Stop touching everything.” (Sorry Mom 😉). I have to say, that even as an adult, I still catch myself running my hand along a clothes rack or just touching that breakable thing that I’m afraid to pick up. I loved my kids when they were little (and babysitting now) because I love hugs and snuggles and face patting.

So when I took this test (which you can find here http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) I was not surprised by the outcome. There were other categories that definitely made sense to me, but I knew physical touch would be the main one. It’s not that you can’t operate in more than one area. In fact the better rounded you are the closer the gaps between categories. But, even now, if you think about it there is probably one strikingly obvious answer. My question, though, is this: if you have an obvious answer, whether because you took the test or because one of those categories stands out to you, do you have childhood memories that reinforced your love language? Like my need to touch, then and today, do you have similar experiences? Whether it is receiving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, or physical touch, do you have moments that stand out like that?

To take it a step further, do you know your spouse’s love language? Your child’s? What have you done today to speak their language? Have they spoken yours? Language, you know, is a two way street. One needs to speak so another can understand and vice versa.

Let’s go one step farther. Your closest circle of friends. Do you know their language? Have you tried to learn? What makes them tick? I confess, I am no giant in this area. I have a lot to learn about my friends and loved ones. Hopefully, you are farther along than I am. But I’m getting there. And that’s how we’ll build community.