Tag: instruction

Jesus CHOSE Judas

I can’t get this out of my head.  Maybe writing it here will help, if I can get it down right.  

Over the years, there have been sayings that arise from the unique situation of Jesus’s betrayer also being with Him at the last supper.  I’m sure you’ve heard “Jesus washed Judas’s feet” or “Judas ate too.”  This week I heard another and can’t stop thinking about it.  I heard someone say, “Jesus loved so well, no one knew it was Judas.”  

I have been wrecked.  

That one statement has taken me back to the very beginning of Jesus’ ministry.  I think I had just brushed over all that.  Partly because it was unthinkable to me.  But also, because these sayings center on the Passover dinner shared the night Jesus was betrayed.  My thinking was focused on one event in time.  

Until I heard the last one.  “Jesus loved so well, no one knew it was Judas.” I started thinking about how well Jesus had to love for that to be true. And we know it was true. At the last supper Jesus announced that one of them would betray Him and the disciples wanted to know who.  Even when He pointed it out, they missed it.  Maybe that was Jesus working to preserve the peace while letting Judas know that He expected the betrayal.  But I started wondering how I would have taken it.  

I think when the disciples heard that news, they started looking back in their memory, to see which of them was capable of such a thing.  I’m sure they filtered through moments in the last year or two to see who might have the ability to betray their friend, the Son of God.  And they came up with nothing. They could not find anything to point out the offender.  

Judas was obviously a very good man or a very good pretender.  

When you consider that Jesus sent the twelve out to preach the gospel and heal the sick (Matthew 10, Mark 3:16-19, Luke 6:14-16) and Judas was part of the group, you realize he was no pretender.  Even Peter tells the believers in Acts 1:15 that Judas “was one of our number and shared in our ministry.” Judas is named in every account as both one of their number and as the betrayer. Peter tells the believers in Acts that Judas had a role to fill. Each gospel points out that duality.  

But I got hung up on the fact that Jesus chose Judas.  Yes, Judas was one of the twelve.  My mind, though, goes to the fact that Jesus knew when He chose Judas.  He knew what Judas’s role was and never once let on to anyone else that it was Judas. For three years they traveled together, ate together, ministered together. Judas even had charge of the group’s money (John 13:29).  Jesus could just as easily have chosen another to keep the money.   

Jesus ate, traveled, laughed, talked, and ministered with Judas for three years. The disciples couldn’t bring one thought to mind of who could betray Jesus? 

Jesus loved Judas so well that He never treated Judas any different from the other disciples.   

I am not on Jesus’s level, of course.  But I doubt that I can do that.  Look my betrayer in the face every day and not be “off” where they were concerned?  I’m sure my human nature would break at some point and want to shun them or call them out.  It took Jesus to help me forgive those who have hurt me. Living with them every day and treating them like one of the family would take a miracle.  

It makes me realize how much work I must do.   

I have a lot of work to do to squelch my self-serving parts. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to reign in my actions and my thoughts. I have a lot of work still to do to put Jesus out front and make myself stand behind Him.  

I don’t think I will ever look at Judas the same. He’s known for being a thief and a betrayer. The One whom he betrayed loved him deeply. The love was so profound that even Peter called him one of their own. He was loved so well by Jesus that no one knew he would betray Jesus. 

I don’t want to be Judas.  

Of course I don’t want to betray Jesus. I don’t want the guilt of knowing I was loved so well and turned my back on it. I want to always see the forgiveness available and not be crushed by the guilt.  

Guilt does not have to crush us. We can turn to the One who loves us and ask Him for forgiveness and receive it.  He is ready to forgive us if we are ready to give Him our guilt. If you are living under a crushing weight of guilt, come to Jesus. Give it to Him. Pray with me: 

“Jesus, thank You for Your overwhelming love.  I need You to take this guilt from me, Lord. I’m so sorry for my actions and the things that I have done.  I ask You to take this weight from me and forgive me.  I choose You and I choose to follow You and give up the life that led me into this guilt. Thank You Lord for saving me. Amen” 

Perspective

FeaturedPerspective

Today I was late to church.

I struggled all morning and had really decided NOT to go. But about half an hour before the service started, I realized I had to be in town anyway for a couple of things and so decided to go ahead and go to church.
My struggle today had nothing to do with the time change or this allergy cold that hit me last week. My struggle today had everything to do with the fact that I was headed, once again, to a service by myself. And I just didn’t want to.


Now, I have attended church for years, primarily by myself. Most days, I just breeze right in without a thought or care of my singleness. But there are days. Days like today. Where it hits me hard. I don’t love being single. I’m in no hurry to be part of a duo, but I’m not in love with being single forever.
There were a lot of years, too, where I was married and still attended singly. If you have been in a similar situation, you can testify that it can be even MORE difficult when your soul’s desire is a helpmate to lead spiritually in the household. Someone to take your hand and say, “Let’s go to the house of the Lord.” But for the majority of my Christian walk, I go alone.


And today I was late. I walked into the service and saw a full house and wanted to cry at the thought of telling the usher I just needed one seat.
So I fled to the balcony, praying there would be seats. There were.
I had a talk with Jesus during worship. I asked forgiveness for my tooty attitude. I thanked Him for the opportunity to come to church in a country that so far has not outlawed it. And I solidified my vow that regardless of my relationship status, I serve Him, and Him only.


He reminded me that this place of worship I attend is FULL of people I know and love and that some of them love me back. I looked over the balcony wall to the congregation below and saw so many of those very people. And nearly every one of them had an empty seat next to them. He pointed out that had I not let my feelings take over, I could have found a spot. I could have sat in community with friends who also worship my God. And He reminded me this is temporary. This season is short in the grand scheme. At the end of this season, I’ll either no longer be alone or no longer be lonely. And the One who fills that spot will be there either way.

But He also reminded me that there are a multitude of people, even just in this town, that don’t attend church for this very reason. People who don’t have a community yet. People who face the daunting prospect of walking into a place where they know no one. People who walk into an unfamiliar building just hoping that someone will be friendly and hospitable and welcoming.

He reminded me that today I had not been that person that He asked me to be. I was not welcoming. I was not hospitable. I was not friendly. I had curled into myself and pouted. Certainly, we are allowed to be human. And humans have feelings. But I chose to let my feelings lead me instead of making the choice to let Him have those feelings and put Him front and center for someone else who may have felt that singleness.

He was ever so gentle. I was ever so chastised.

Lord, help me be the person You have called me to be.

Changing God’s Mind

Changing God’s Mind

I have a question that I have been asking God for . . . oh, about 18 years now. I started asking the question when life seemed incredibly, ridiculously hard. Part of me wondered, had I brought this on myself? Part of me railed at God for not moving me out of the trials. Part of me blamed others for making my life harder.

So I asked Him. Is there a difference, Lord, between Your will and Your Perfect Will? For 18 years that question has popped up repeatedly. What have I done wrong, God? Where are You? Why are things so difficult? I’m doing what you asked. I’m attending church, I’m reading the Word, I’m praying. But, good grief, why? Why all this strife? Why all this misery? What if I had not followed my heart and chose to stop to listen to You? But what about Your influence in the path that I was on?

Dear Reader, let me tell you a story . . .

I was born originally into a house of alcoholism, abuse and neglect. These are not stories that I heard of my upbringing; these are the memories I have of my childhood. At the age of 6 I was rescued. An aunt and uncle figured out the problem and I went to live with them. All of that is a story in itself. But, escape I did, and went to live with the aunt and uncle. From now on I will refer to them as Mom and Dad.

I lived with Mom and Dad from the age of 6 to the age of 12. At the age of 12, Dad decided to leave us, so I lived with Mom until the age of 25 (basically. I mean, I had that temporary stint out on my own, but you know . . .) Anyway, all of that was angst to me until I broke free of it at 19. It took me a while. I was ungrateful, angry, resentful, and took “poor, pitiful me” to a whole other level. But God got my attention, and I started making necessary changes in my thought processes. That was when I started to become friends with God. And He and I were pals. I still made mistakes. Show me a 19 year old that doesn’t! But I was learning and leaning. I was taking in what I could. It was rough and bumpy and filled with heartache, but I knew God had my back, I knew He loved me and would never leave me.

At 24 I met a man. He is currently my husband, but when I first met him, I was not impressed. He was everything I wasn’t looking for, I was sure of it. While I had grown up in a strict household and attended a very strict church, he seemed to have not had any of that. That was all just looks, on the surface, though. As I got to know him -mostly because he kept popping up in front of me, sometimes through no fault of his own- I realized that his heart was beautiful. And I fell for the heart. I didn’t know what it meant back then but looking back now I see that we were unequally yoked. While his core principles were the same and he loved God, we were still on different playing fields. At the dumb age of 24, I just believed that it gave us depth. I could not have been more wrong. What we have now because of it, is depth. What it gave us back then was heartache.

But God had a hand in it all. I just didn’t know that until MUCH later. To hear my husband say “but I prayed for you. I prayed that God would send me someone who would love me the way I needed to be loved,” actually broke my heart. God set me on this path. He directed my steps. Yes, I was foolish and made mistakes. Yes, I brought a lot of misery on myself. But it was also already orchestrated and set in motion.

He has his own story to tell and maybe one day he will let me tell it. But for now we’ll leave it at the very basic explanation that he had trust issues. Rightfully so, I might add. But still . . . I had to account for every second I wasn’t in his presence. This was before cell phones, you youngsters, so imagine having to tell someone your whereabouts every five minutes but you have lost your phone and no one around you has one either, except that ancient land line. Yeah. Deserted island and no communication but tell me where you are! It stressed me out so much while we were engaged that I broke it off. But when he apologized, and told me that he was wrong, and that he loved me, I believed it. I knew it was true! I just didn’t realize that it wasn’t fixed. And I fell for this man like a ton of bricks, y’all. There was no one else for me. There is no one else for me. We were engaged a year, then got married in 1995. Even with the break up and reconciliation, I fought his constant insecurity and the ever present demand of my time accounting for the next 5 years. At year 3, I started really getting tired of it. I was not a toddler, I was married. He was supposed to be a partner not a jailer. Had there been any indication of abuse in his nature, I would have taken off. However, there was no such bone in his body. Only insecurity and low self-esteem. So I tolerated it. And I was so in love and afraid of confrontation that I was his doormat. Whatever he wanted to accuse me of, it was fine because it wasn’t true. But then I started making poor choices. I was staying out later after work. I was taking my time coming home because I knew it drove him crazy. I would leave the house and not say where I was going. And we would go sometimes as much as a week without talking to each other. None of these were helping my marriage. But I was depressed, and frustrated and stuck between a rock of his insecurity and a hard place of my own making. At year 7 (5 years married), I snapped. I wasn’t doing it anymore. I loved him. I had two beautiful boys by him. But I was not a doormat. Something had to change. I certainly had. Gone was the old me. The new me was scary. The new me was fierce. The new me was still going to fight, but not the way I used to. For Pete’s sake! You will know I’m mad, you will understand my point, and you will back the hell off! And he, bless his heart, had no idea what to do with new Pam. I didn’t know what to do with new Pam. I scared me. I just knew it was going to be different. I was beyond sick of it.

And then I started wondering. Had I brought this on myself? Did my failure to listen to something God might have been telling me lead me down this path? Could this heartache have been avoided by running the other way from the unequal yoking? After 18 years I am still learning the difference between God’s will and God’s Perfect Will. Part of my confusion comes from the vision I had on our third date. We had been talking. I was finally attentive because I had seen his heart, but at this point I was by no means swayed. My roommate came out to tell me something, I turned to her to listen, and when I turned back around, I had a vision. My oldest son sat on his knee. I immediately turned away again. No, God. Just no. I wasn’t ever having children. My upbringing had convinced me that you can never be sure of a partner. Or that, if you were sure of them when it was just the two of you, you couldn’t be sure once kids came along.

Needless to say, I found myself married with children and still struggling. Today, if you asked “Would I do it again?”, I don’t know what my answer would be. But since we can’t go back, I can ask myself, “What can I learn from this?” But, more often, I found myself asking “was this Your will?” And I still draw a blank sometimes. Yes, I had the vision. Does that mean that God was the orchestrator, or does that mean He took my choice and formed a plan? I’ve heard it said “well, God knows everything, even the choices we make, so He is in control of everything.” And I do believe He is in control. But I also know He gives us choices. I think He sets the choices before us, wanting us to make the one that serves Him best, but allowing us to have our desires. The only way we can be in His perfect will is if we are asking Him continuously, “what is Your choice?” And then following His guidance. Where I so often trip up is in the asking for His guidance. I’m sure that, had I asked, so many of the trials could have been avoided. Had I sought God’s guidance, I could have missed some of the misery entirely. But I think that some of it still would have been my lot, because we grow from the trials. At least, we should. If you are in the middle of difficulty and your eyes are turned toward God, you can’t help but learn. If you are facing sorrow, and you don’t ask why but ask what can I learn from this, you will definitely grow in the Lord. Are you facing a storm? In the middle of difficulty? Need an answer? Stop asking “why me?” Why you? Because everyone goes through trouble, and usually because we don’t line our choices up with God’s Word or His choices. Learn to pray “Your will be done” and to ask what His will is. Part of what we fail to understand, though, is that not only do we have freedom of choice, but so do all the other people in our sphere of influence. And just because you may be following God’s guidance, doesn’t mean that everyone else is. While we are certainly subject to the consequences of our own decisions, sometimes we are also subject to the consequences of the decisions of others. There is no limit to the ways our lives are buffeted by others. The important thing is to do your part of following after God and trust that He is looking out for you. You can do nothing about the other people and their choices, nor can you force them into doing things your way. The only thing you can do is take charge of your own emotions, and then give EVERYTHING up to God.

Can you change His mind? Sure. Read Exodus, Jeremiah, Amos, Jonah. I’m not sure it’s a true change of thought, though. It seems much more a father relenting than anything else. But the “effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” He listens to us and grants us our prayers when they line up with His true nature (love) and shine the light on His glory and Presence.

Would I change His mind, if I could go back and fervently pray for a pass? I think I possibly could have. But then it wouldn’t have been me loving my husband. It would have been someone else. And they may not have done as good a job as I have. And I wouldn’t have the two beautiful man-children that I have. Because I was NEVER having kids. I could have changed God’s mind. I’m sure of it. But even with the heartache and trauma, His plan is best. So I’ll just trust His will for my life. This isn’t the life I ordered, but it’s infinitely more beautiful and meaningful that what I picked.

Stop Touching Everything!

As an adult I learned of a “personality test” that helped me figure out what my “Love Language” is. Most of you who know me (or know someone who knows me) knows what I’m talking about. But if you don’t, read on.

There are 5 love languages: Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Whichever of these languages you speak, you probably are very good at living them. Typically, if your love language is Receiving Gifts, you give them as well as you receive them. If Words of Affirmation make you feel loved, you probably affirm the people in your life. You get the idea.

There is also the possibility that you have been deeply scarred by the wrong use/negative end of the language. If you speak Quality Time then the lack of it as a child can be detrimental to your feelings of self worth. If you cherish Acts of Service but had to fend for yourself as a child, then you are probably living the polar opposite of your language.

My Love Language is Physical Touch. In my early childhood I experienced the very negative end of my love language. When I was adopted at the age of 6, I had to learn to adapt to healthy forms of touch. I think I was very resistant to ANY touch though, because I don’t remember much of it, although it may have been there. My memory is very faulty. If I had to explain it, I’d say that if the situation wasn’t hugely life altering, I didn’t focus on the event. So much of my life, to this day, is wiped clean in my memories because it wasn’t earth shattering. I remember the important stuff, like the birth of my children. But when we went to the bay and swam that one time and it was so great, you know? No. I don’t remember. So, basically, my life is great! How can I be bogged down by that one time that kid was mean to me, if I don’t remember it? And I have recovered so much from the early trauma, thanks to Mom who was my counselor, that I operate in my love language in a healthy way.

Still, there are some memories that hang in there. Like Dad tossing me in the air, or Mama giving me a squeeze. But I think, because they are associated with touch, that is why they stick. Including the memory (well, memories) of my mom saying things like “Do you have to touch every one”, “Quit touching those”, and “Stop touching everything.” (Sorry Mom 😉). I have to say, that even as an adult, I still catch myself running my hand along a clothes rack or just touching that breakable thing that I’m afraid to pick up. I loved my kids when they were little (and babysitting now) because I love hugs and snuggles and face patting.

So when I took this test (which you can find here http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) I was not surprised by the outcome. There were other categories that definitely made sense to me, but I knew physical touch would be the main one. It’s not that you can’t operate in more than one area. In fact the better rounded you are the closer the gaps between categories. But, even now, if you think about it there is probably one strikingly obvious answer. My question, though, is this: if you have an obvious answer, whether because you took the test or because one of those categories stands out to you, do you have childhood memories that reinforced your love language? Like my need to touch, then and today, do you have similar experiences? Whether it is receiving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, or physical touch, do you have moments that stand out like that?

To take it a step further, do you know your spouse’s love language? Your child’s? What have you done today to speak their language? Have they spoken yours? Language, you know, is a two way street. One needs to speak so another can understand and vice versa.

Let’s go one step farther. Your closest circle of friends. Do you know their language? Have you tried to learn? What makes them tick? I confess, I am no giant in this area. I have a lot to learn about my friends and loved ones. Hopefully, you are farther along than I am. But I’m getting there. And that’s how we’ll build community.

Self-inflicted suffering

“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic; true power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you; breathe and allow things to pass.” -Unknown

In today’s world it seems that most people are ready to be offended at the slightest thing. It’s one thing for a child to take to heart the hurtful words thrown his way, and quite another for an adult to get offended because someone else’s view doesn’t match their own.

My previous post talks about hurtful words. This post is about taking away that power. Words can only hurt you if you let them. At some point in your life, and hopefully before you become an adult, you have to realize that words are just words. And even if they hurt, you can control the power they have over you by controlling your own reaction. The only power anyone and any word can have over you is the power you give it.

I know a man who says to himself everyday “I am my own sunshine.” Don’t get me wrong, he loves God. He lives for God. But telling himself this phrase is his way of reminding himself that he does not have to let the shadows of negativity in. He can remain the calmest person in the face of the biggest meltdown. And he has seen some doozies! Regardless of the emotional whirlwind in front of him, he can stand still and let the storm pass. And he doesn’t take it personally. He’s the better for it, too.

Learning this lesson is tough. Especially in today’s world where everyone has the right to be offended and to say anything they want because, hey, free speech. Matthew 24:10 says “And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.” In the prophetic words of Jesus, we see American society today. The constant haranguing of anyone with a differing opinion, the excessive need to be right, and the constant trampling of other’s rights in order to be the right one, are all leaving an indelible impression on the next generation. Why should your child learn to “let it go” when you clearly can’t? What, exactly, do we think we are teaching our children? Yes, words hurt. But you can choose to say “that person doesn’t know what they are talking about” or “that does not apply to me, no matter what they say”. Will we teach our children to open a dialogue instead of a name-calling session? Will we teach our children, by our own actions, to put aside those words and focus on their own actions and to take responsibility for them? Teach your daughter, that little Suzy saying she’s ugly, is not only untrue, but shows just how little Suzy thinks of herself.

And teach your son that just because little Justin said he’s dumb, doesn’t make it so . . . and that punching Justin for saying it is just as wrong as Justin saying it. I believe this is why we have so many adults who throw temper tantrums over words. Come on, y’all. They’re just words. You have full control of your own actions and emotions. Take charge. And stop letting the other person control you.

What lesson are you teaching your child? How can you improve your response to hurtful words? Do have conversations about this very thing with your children? In the family, don’t just be the example. Be an example AND an instructor.

My thoughts on raising children

My niece, recently found out she’s having a boy and asked me if I had any advice in the raising of boys. This is what I told her:

1. Be consistent. If you said “no you can’t have candy right before dinner”, that needs to be the rule ALWAYS. “Let your yes be yes and your no be no” is good in this instance, although for proper context, maybe it should be “a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.” Kids will test you 25 million times to see if your answer will always be no or yes. It needs to be. That’s how you build their trust.
2. Pick your battles. Some things aren’t worth fighting over. Let’s say that his newest thing is a contest of wills. If you tell him to go sit in the time out chair and he sits right where he is, well, that works too. He is sitting, which is the goal. Just because it’s not in the exact spot you said doesn’t mean the action didn’t happen. Ephesians 6:4
3. Be firm. You can’t worry about hurting his feelings. No one LIKES to be in trouble (Hebrews 12:11). But that’s how we learn. And don’t get drawn into an argument. YOU are the grown up, he’s a child. But, by the same token, don’t be mean. Ecclesiastes 5:6
4. If you are going to spank, use a spoon or paddle. Never your hand. You want him to be afraid of the spoon, not you. Also, discipline should NEVER be done in anger. Calm yourself down before disciplining. (Www.thegospelcoalition.org/…/seven-principles-for-angry-pa…/)
5. Love, LOVE, love! Believe it or not, there will be days you won’t like him. But you love him anyway, just like God loves you.
6. Food is not a reward or a punishment. It’s survival. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t fall into “I’ll give you a cookie if . . .” Or “clean your plate or else . . .” There are so many other things that hold a higher importance in life. (Philippians 1:10) Don’t get me going on the psychological damage that can be caused by rewarding or withholding food.
7. Demand obedience when he’s young and it’ll be easier for him when he’s older. Ephesians 6:1-3
8. Give him chores. Appropriate ones at appropriate ages. You can find lists on Google. Chores will keep him realistic. Ecclesiastes 3:22
9. Create in him an attitude of gratitude. It makes a happier kid. And start that early. Like, as soon as he can talk. Every night before bed, when you say prayers with him, list three things you are thankful for. Encourage him to think of some as he grows. A house, food, lights . . . these are all blessings. Too many people go without any of them. And then we in America have soooooooooo much more. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Hebrews 12:28. (Also:www.verticallivingministries.com/…/10-benefits-of-giving-t…/)
10. Dedicate him to God. Give him back, in a way, to the One who gave Him to you. It is not a baptism. It is merely a symbol of offering your child to God in the hopes that they will in turn trust in God and be trained by Him. 1 Samuel 1:11.

That’s my two cents. What is yours?

Gentle Instruction

A few weeks ago, our pastor challenged our congregation to step beyond ourselves and to give away that which we were needing. Need more joy? Try spreading it to others. Need more faith? Speak it over someone else. Yes, even if you need money, try giving it to those in need. The concept, of course, is that you cannot out-give God. If you are giving from the right place in your heart, then God will return to you what you have given away and will add to it. So he asked us to ask God, who would you have me bless, to whom can I give away the thing I need most. I earnestly sought His answer. Who, Lord, is in need of my help? In my mind’s eye, I saw a friend who had been having health issues and was struggling. But Lord, I visited with her yesterday, and I plan to go again today. Then I saw an outreach program that I am involved in. Yes, Lord, I was just helping there and I need to remember to add to the list. But then my mind was flooded with images of people and places that I have loved on and served and tried to just be there for. And that still small voice spoke to me. “I am well pleased.” Which, of course, made me bawl like a baby. All day.

But we humans. We are rarely satisfied. And I started wondering. If I am okay in the giving department, then what? What do You want me to do, Lord? What is it that I am missing? Because, I obviously am missing something. I am still alive, still kicking, still breathing, so my work is not done. And in the back of my mind, I know what He has told me before, but I, in true Pam form, just ignore it. I pretend like I don’t know it. But the Lord . . . He doesn’t do ‘ignore’. He instructs. Gently. Insistently.

In my case, that came as a dream. My dream took me to a woman’s home. She was no one I know, but she asked me the one question that I have been asking God for the last 15 years, or more (that’s another post, I promise). In my dream, I had the answer, but each time I went to explain it to the woman, she would wander off mid sentence. Apparently, she was looking for something and it bothered her that she couldn’t find what she was looking for. So, while she wanted the answer, she was distracted by the thing she had lost. Each time she left while I tried to give her the answer was making me impatient. In frustration, I picked up a stick and began to write on her wall. I would just leave the answer here so she could see it, when she could concentrate, I thought. And in the middle of my writing, the sun came up through her living room window. I saw a sparkle on the floor. When I went to pick up the item, there was another, then another. There was a trail of things and I realized this was what the woman was looking for. In my earnestness to help, I left the writing undone. Which speaks volumes to me. When I woke up, I knew that God had been showing me something. I also understood that He was talking about my writing. The writing I leave undone in my earnestness to help. The writing that sits in the draft folder and never gets published in this blog. I know that’s what He is telling me. So I am opening up those folders, fine-tuning pieces, and hitting that publish button. Even If it’s for no other reason than to just say that I did. And in the meantime, I have to ask you: What is that thing that the Lord is asking you to do? Are you ignoring Him? Do you even hear that still, small voice prodding You? Trust me when I say that the Lord, He is insistent. But let me also tell you that He isn’t going to talk to you with a big, booming voice or appear in a burning bush. At least, not in my experience. No, no. Our Lord, He is a gentle instructor. He will not force His way. He wants you to choose for yourself. He wants you to choose Him and His kingdom. He will love you regardless of your choice, but choose Him. Choose to do that ONE thing He’s asked of you. And, in the process, you may be giving away what you need. Believe me, He’ll return it tenfold.

You In The Chaos

You In The Chaos

It was the end of May 2015. There had been one blow after another and I was struggling. I have HUGE faith. Need someone to pray for resolution in your life? That would be me. I know Who my rock is. I know Who my fortress is. I have never been let down by Him. But I have let me down.

At the end of May, my best friend died and after months of storms, I needed an anchor for that one. But I found myself alone and angry and bitter. Instead of remembering Who stands in the storm, waiting for me, I closed in on myself. It wasn’t that I was alone. It was that I simply chose not to go to my Father with my hurt. The following poem was my waking up to the truth that I was the one who made myself alone.

YOU IN THE CHAOS
Standing in this rocking boat, wind howling on every side
Water stinging my face as the waves toss us around
Everything is out of control and it’s taking its toll
I’m sure this ship is sunk and there is no hope

Then I see You out there, standing on the water
Clear as day despite the chaos. You call to me
How? How can You call me to You?
Yet my spirit strains forward toward You.

My thoughts race and in my mind I see me
Stepping over the side and walking to You,
But my mind rejects the image. You can’t think that I can.
I am not You, I cannot do as You do.

You stand there in the middle of chaos and call me to You.
My spirit strains forward, needing to reach You
I determine to try this that You ask of me.
So I tighten my resolve and step over the side.

My eyes are fixed on You and I step toward You
And I’m amazed that I can, that I’m still here,
Doing the impossible, coming toward You.
You are still before me and my spirit is ever straining.

I must reach You. I step forward once more and
Get slapped with a wave. The stinging pain shocks me
My eyes are on You but my mind is overcome.
The pain and the chaos disorient me.

I hear the howling wind, then I see the waves rising
I know that I am sunk. I am not You. I cannot do as You do.
You stand there in the middle of chaos, peace personified.
You are unmoved by the wind and waves.

And You call me to You. My spirit strains to reach You.
You reach for me and I am saved by Your hand. I am held up by You.
You, my Lord, have lifted me and saved me from drowning.
You lifted me up among the waves, you walked me through the wind.

You took me back to the safety of the ship and helped me in.
You helped me in and then calmed the wind.
I cannot do as You do. I am not You.
But my spirit strains toward You and I am saved.

Pam Whitehead