Psalm 68:19
Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation. Selah.

I woke up on Saturday, October 19th, ready to cry at the drop of a hat.

Maybe it was the stress of my life. Maybe I was just emotional. Who knows? But I was overwhelmed.

Still, it was Jesus Burger day and I was excited to share the Club 3D cards with our Jesus Burger Friends. Jesus Burger is a homeless outreach in our city. Cards from our kids church group, 1st through 6th grade, had been added to the hygiene bags that I go to hand out. They were so precious and I had prayed for the people to be blessed by the simple words of children.

I made it there just as the devotion was getting going, and the leader was saying that you couldn’t care where the people came from, what they looked like, how they talked. That none of that mattered because we were there to love them in the way that Jesus did. Now, I was already emotional, but I felt my heart just shredding at those words. I kept seeing those I had come in contact with in the past and my heart broke for all of them, one by one. Friends, do not pray “break my heart for what breaks Yours” unless you are prepared for the grief. I hurt the whole day. And while only a couple of hours was spent at Jesus Burger, the impact lasted ALL day. A week later and I was still raw. I can still, today, feel the shards of grief that are stuck like slivers in my heart.

Today Mr. Monte Wike spoke of the verse above in Psalms, how God daily loads us with benefits. But it’s like the manna from heaven for the Israelites. It is enough for the day, and yet renews each morning. All I could think was that I didn’t understand my emotions and that I didn’t even know what I needed and here’s Mr. Monte telling us that God gives us what we need-daily. Which is . . . Well, just simple minded, really. Of course God knows what I need, and daily – and it doesn’t matter if I know or not, He knows what I need.

I left the devotion thanking God that He takes care of my simple minded self and went to hand out hygiene bags. While handing out the bags, a lady approached. She is a regular there. Usually she comes with a friend, but today, she was alone. Someone asked about her friend who always comes with her and she said she had committed suicide. That was a stab through my heart.

A little bit after that a man came up and I cringed, spiritually, from him. I didn’t understand my reaction, so I pushed myself to talk to him. He was pleasant enough. But then the women started coming and it became very evident that he was their pimp. He, and his friend, avoided going anywhere near the pulpit and the singing/preaching. My spirit was angry. My heart hurt. And I was silenced by God.

A woman came up. She was wearing shoes that were 3 sizes too big. She asked for 8.5 sized shoes. There were none. My heart broke again. Jesus said “give her yours“. I argued. I didn’t have a spare set in my car. I have to go to work. I can’t go barefoot. “Give her yours“. And what am I supposed to do? “Give her yours“. I discreetly took my shoes off and said “hey, see if these will fit”. She was so excited. She tried them on. Next thing I know, she has them off, handed to a man, and is trying on another pair from . . . where? And she’s saying how God is so good as she’s walking away with the last pair on and my pair dangling from the hand of the man with her.

What the . . . But I can’t be mad. I just want to cry.

Because I don’t have it in me to be mad.

Because Jesus gave them away, not me.

Because my heart hurts.

Because God loads us daily with benefits.

Because another soul took her own life and what are shoes compared to that?

Because there are women slaved to prostitute, and what are shoes compared to that?

Because most of these I meet at Jesus Burger have no home, no washing machine, no electricity, no running water, no transportation.

And what are shoes, compared to that?