Tag: fear

Self-inflicted suffering

“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic; true power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you; breathe and allow things to pass.” -Unknown

In today’s world it seems that most people are ready to be offended at the slightest thing. It’s one thing for a child to take to heart the hurtful words thrown his way, and quite another for an adult to get offended because someone else’s view doesn’t match their own.

My previous post talks about hurtful words. This post is about taking away that power. Words can only hurt you if you let them. At some point in your life, and hopefully before you become an adult, you have to realize that words are just words. And even if they hurt, you can control the power they have over you by controlling your own reaction. The only power anyone and any word can have over you is the power you give it.

I know a man who says to himself everyday “I am my own sunshine.” Don’t get me wrong, he loves God. He lives for God. But telling himself this phrase is his way of reminding himself that he does not have to let the shadows of negativity in. He can remain the calmest person in the face of the biggest meltdown. And he has seen some doozies! Regardless of the emotional whirlwind in front of him, he can stand still and let the storm pass. And he doesn’t take it personally. He’s the better for it, too.

Learning this lesson is tough. Especially in today’s world where everyone has the right to be offended and to say anything they want because, hey, free speech. Matthew 24:10 says “And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.” In the prophetic words of Jesus, we see American society today. The constant haranguing of anyone with a differing opinion, the excessive need to be right, and the constant trampling of other’s rights in order to be the right one, are all leaving an indelible impression on the next generation. Why should your child learn to “let it go” when you clearly can’t? What, exactly, do we think we are teaching our children? Yes, words hurt. But you can choose to say “that person doesn’t know what they are talking about” or “that does not apply to me, no matter what they say”. Will we teach our children to open a dialogue instead of a name-calling session? Will we teach our children, by our own actions, to put aside those words and focus on their own actions and to take responsibility for them? Teach your daughter, that little Suzy saying she’s ugly, is not only untrue, but shows just how little Suzy thinks of herself.

And teach your son that just because little Justin said he’s dumb, doesn’t make it so . . . and that punching Justin for saying it is just as wrong as Justin saying it. I believe this is why we have so many adults who throw temper tantrums over words. Come on, y’all. They’re just words. You have full control of your own actions and emotions. Take charge. And stop letting the other person control you.

What lesson are you teaching your child? How can you improve your response to hurtful words? Do have conversations about this very thing with your children? In the family, don’t just be the example. Be an example AND an instructor.

My thoughts on raising children

My niece, recently found out she’s having a boy and asked me if I had any advice in the raising of boys. This is what I told her:

1. Be consistent. If you said “no you can’t have candy right before dinner”, that needs to be the rule ALWAYS. “Let your yes be yes and your no be no” is good in this instance, although for proper context, maybe it should be “a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.” Kids will test you 25 million times to see if your answer will always be no or yes. It needs to be. That’s how you build their trust.
2. Pick your battles. Some things aren’t worth fighting over. Let’s say that his newest thing is a contest of wills. If you tell him to go sit in the time out chair and he sits right where he is, well, that works too. He is sitting, which is the goal. Just because it’s not in the exact spot you said doesn’t mean the action didn’t happen. Ephesians 6:4
3. Be firm. You can’t worry about hurting his feelings. No one LIKES to be in trouble (Hebrews 12:11). But that’s how we learn. And don’t get drawn into an argument. YOU are the grown up, he’s a child. But, by the same token, don’t be mean. Ecclesiastes 5:6
4. If you are going to spank, use a spoon or paddle. Never your hand. You want him to be afraid of the spoon, not you. Also, discipline should NEVER be done in anger. Calm yourself down before disciplining. (Www.thegospelcoalition.org/…/seven-principles-for-angry-pa…/)
5. Love, LOVE, love! Believe it or not, there will be days you won’t like him. But you love him anyway, just like God loves you.
6. Food is not a reward or a punishment. It’s survival. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t fall into “I’ll give you a cookie if . . .” Or “clean your plate or else . . .” There are so many other things that hold a higher importance in life. (Philippians 1:10) Don’t get me going on the psychological damage that can be caused by rewarding or withholding food.
7. Demand obedience when he’s young and it’ll be easier for him when he’s older. Ephesians 6:1-3
8. Give him chores. Appropriate ones at appropriate ages. You can find lists on Google. Chores will keep him realistic. Ecclesiastes 3:22
9. Create in him an attitude of gratitude. It makes a happier kid. And start that early. Like, as soon as he can talk. Every night before bed, when you say prayers with him, list three things you are thankful for. Encourage him to think of some as he grows. A house, food, lights . . . these are all blessings. Too many people go without any of them. And then we in America have soooooooooo much more. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Hebrews 12:28. (Also:www.verticallivingministries.com/…/10-benefits-of-giving-t…/)
10. Dedicate him to God. Give him back, in a way, to the One who gave Him to you. It is not a baptism. It is merely a symbol of offering your child to God in the hopes that they will in turn trust in God and be trained by Him. 1 Samuel 1:11.

That’s my two cents. What is yours?

Beautiful You 

The above is an excerpt from Sir Edward Richardson’s Pamela, or Virtue Rewarded. They come from a father admonishing his daughter against pride in/becoming puffed up over her beauty, a thing she had no hand in.

When I read this bit, I was taken back to a poem I wrote in high school. I called it Beautiful to You. In it, I cried out to God, asking him to make me beautiful in His eyes. To do a work on the inside, hoping it would make me more attractive on the outside. You see, I thought I was ugly. Not just ugly, but the ugliest thing imaginable. And there were so many who just reaffirmed that. I didn’t realize how false that was until I hit adulthood.

I fell in love for the first time at 19. What a change flattery can make! Then I learned that the only interest that first love ever had in me was based entirely on my looks and how they might help him. That was just as devastating as growing up believing I was ugly. And I saw, quickly, that I could “have no praise due to me for it”.

In high school, I cried out to God for beauty. As a young adult I alternately gave Him thanks for my looks and was angry for my looks. In the end I just wanted Him to see me as beautiful, and forget the people. I yearned to hear from the One who made me. All those others who had convinced me that I was ugly, wounded me. But I would find my solace in God. And so I developed a relationship with the One who made me.

I’m sure that many of those who called me names, who went out of their way to be mean, to hurt, to laugh at me never believed that they were just expanding an already big problem for me. I know for a fact that some of them believed I thought too much of myself (I did say before that I worked very hard NOT to be so shy and introverted, that gets confused with stuck-up a lot). But the damage was done regardless.

If I could instruct every single child on the planet in one thing, it would be this: watch your words. Words DO hurt. Words can cause irreparable damage. If I had not turned to God, I think depression would have taken hold of me to such a degree that I would not have been able to escape it. And while children are mean enough to their peers, adults do just as much damage with a careless word or thoughtless tease. It seems crazy to me the number of adults in my own life who hurt me with their words. (On a side note, there is another post coming concerning the notion that, come on, they are just words.)

Let every person tell every child: You are beautiful. You are precious. You are worthy. You are loved. These should be standard phrases in the house of a child. Sadly, that is not true. If you spend any time with a child, tell them these things. But also, tell yourself these things. You need to hear it, too. Whether you are 5, 15, or 95, YOU need to hear it! You are beautiful! I thank God for a mother who encouraged me to think for myself, who gave me support, and had I confessed these feelings to her as a child, I have no doubt she would have fought like a mama bear protecting her young to keep anyone from saying anything amiss. (Unfortunately, this is probably her first time knowing it.) But I came to grips with my feelings of inadequacy, where my looks were concerned, years ago. I now hold no illusions about myself. I look like me. I look like God created me to look. It is neither beauty nor beastly. It is the me He made. And I am good with that.

If you are not good with who you are, are not happy with the Creator’s design of you, take it up with Him. He won’t change how you look, but He will change how you feel about it. In the meantime, have a listen . . .

Finding hope . . .

There are any number of people who wake up daily with no hope. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no friends to support them in the hard times, no family to hold them up when things go awry. Sometimes it truly is that they lack those elements in their lives. Sometimes it’s a situation of their own making. Do you know someone who is living hopeless? Someone who goes from day to day drowning in life’s troubles? Do you know anyone that you can encourage and lend hope to?

I was born into a household with alcoholism, physical and sexual abuse, and neglect. When I was around 5 years old, I tried to run away. I can remember two specific failed attempts but there may have been others. It still amazes me that my 5 year old self was more afraid of the inside of the house than what was outside. And I thank God that I never succeeded at running away. Can you imagine? Even in 1976, a child alone on the streets would not have found herself in any good situation. I would have gone from the frying pan into the fire. And had I succeeded, I never would have made it into a better situation. That better situation presented itself when I was 6. I had an aunt and uncle who recognized what was going on and convinced my biological father to sign me over in guardianship (to avoid charges) and we moved out of state.

That aunt and uncle kept me, fed me, clothed me, cared for me. They made me safe. They made me FEEL safe. I got to grow up with their children and I learned how not to live in fear. But more than that, they gave me hope. I discovered I didn’t have to hide somewhere and be quiet. There was no reason for me to be afraid to be noticed. They made me feel safe. They made me part of the family. My aunt, who I call Mom, counseled me and opened the door for me to talk to her. She also encouraged me (when I was a little older) to start a journal. They let me see that life didn’t have to be the way it used to. That I could look forward to things and not be afraid of people. I still tend to be introverted and shy. Sometimes it’s hard for me to meet new people. But if they hadn’t been the patient, loving people they were, you would never have heard from me.

My life hasn’t been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Just because I was rescued from that situation doesn’t mean I still haven’t endured other hardships. But that is life. No one has an easy path. It’s all struggle to the person living it. I can’t hear someone else’s story and think “that’s all you had to deal with?” Because to them, that hardship was huge. For that person, that one thing was just as major as my struggle was to me. No one gets out of life easy. You can’t look at some person you don’t know and assume that they are living free of trouble. Their trouble doesn’t look like your trouble, but that doesn’t make it trouble-free for them. So when you see that person who looks like they have it all together, and they are griping about something that seems ridiculous, try some patience. Try some compassion.

Consider this person: You are standing in line in the grocery store. Maybe you are the third, fourth, or possibly fifth person in line. The lady checking out has coupons and she’s going ballistic because an item she’s trying to buy isn’t the same as the one on the coupon. Almost, but not quite. So she’s losing it. She’s screaming at the cashier and wants her savings and isn’t concerned in the least that she’s holding up the line for 15 cents. The others in line are getting mad at her. The cashier has called the manager. There is a collective groan from the patrons in the store. The manager gives her the 15 cents (maybe, maybe not) and sends her on her way. Everyone else is just relieved she’s left the line, and the store.

When she gets outside and into her car, she breaks down. Her world is unraveling before her eyes. She was threatened with the loss of her job because she’s taken off so much work lately. She has taken off from work so much because her husband has a terminal illness and the hospital sent him home today with no expectation of seeing him again. She has no food in the house because she has spent the last few weeks at the hospital whenever she wasn’t at work. So she came to the store, trying to make what few dollars she has count. And the coupon was wrong. It was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. Everyone else in the store only saw a temper tantrum from a woman old enough to know better. But her world is unraveling. And she was grasping at the strings trying to hold it together. Trying to take back some of the control of her circumstances.

I’m just as guilty as the next person of getting upset with a woman like that. But I do try to give that person the benefit of the doubt. For one thing, life is too short to be so worked up about those few minutes I waited. And more importantly, my patience and compassion in that situation could have saved her life. At the very least, it could have been an offering of hope. A “hey, you aren’t alone in this” moment of support. We all need that, at one time or another.

People today need hope. We need to offer it. If it’s the lady in the checkout line, the man at the gas pump, the waitress who messed up your order, the cashier who got your change wrong, it doesn’t matter. They need the smile, the patience, the encouragement that it will eventually be okay.

There are any number of people who wake up daily with no hope. So do you know someone who is living hopeless? Someone who goes from day to day drowning in life’s troubles? Do you know anyone that you can encourage and lend hope to?

You In The Chaos

You In The Chaos

It was the end of May 2015. There had been one blow after another and I was struggling. I have HUGE faith. Need someone to pray for resolution in your life? That would be me. I know Who my rock is. I know Who my fortress is. I have never been let down by Him. But I have let me down.

At the end of May, my best friend died and after months of storms, I needed an anchor for that one. But I found myself alone and angry and bitter. Instead of remembering Who stands in the storm, waiting for me, I closed in on myself. It wasn’t that I was alone. It was that I simply chose not to go to my Father with my hurt. The following poem was my waking up to the truth that I was the one who made myself alone.

YOU IN THE CHAOS
Standing in this rocking boat, wind howling on every side
Water stinging my face as the waves toss us around
Everything is out of control and it’s taking its toll
I’m sure this ship is sunk and there is no hope

Then I see You out there, standing on the water
Clear as day despite the chaos. You call to me
How? How can You call me to You?
Yet my spirit strains forward toward You.

My thoughts race and in my mind I see me
Stepping over the side and walking to You,
But my mind rejects the image. You can’t think that I can.
I am not You, I cannot do as You do.

You stand there in the middle of chaos and call me to You.
My spirit strains forward, needing to reach You
I determine to try this that You ask of me.
So I tighten my resolve and step over the side.

My eyes are fixed on You and I step toward You
And I’m amazed that I can, that I’m still here,
Doing the impossible, coming toward You.
You are still before me and my spirit is ever straining.

I must reach You. I step forward once more and
Get slapped with a wave. The stinging pain shocks me
My eyes are on You but my mind is overcome.
The pain and the chaos disorient me.

I hear the howling wind, then I see the waves rising
I know that I am sunk. I am not You. I cannot do as You do.
You stand there in the middle of chaos, peace personified.
You are unmoved by the wind and waves.

And You call me to You. My spirit strains to reach You.
You reach for me and I am saved by Your hand. I am held up by You.
You, my Lord, have lifted me and saved me from drowning.
You lifted me up among the waves, you walked me through the wind.

You took me back to the safety of the ship and helped me in.
You helped me in and then calmed the wind.
I cannot do as You do. I am not You.
But my spirit strains toward You and I am saved.

Pam Whitehead