Tag: control

Man Never Measures Up

Have you been hurt by someone who claims to be a Christian? Do you wonder why God allows bad things to happen? Do you question if He exists based on these things?

If you’re human, your answer is probably a resounding YES!

I have a few friends, from all walks of life, who have decided that they want nothing to do with God or deny His existence based on hurts perpetrated by those who claim to know Him.  And while my heart aches for the hurt they’ve endured, I’m deeply saddened by the joy they miss out on. 

I’m no theologian, nor do I have the space here to dive into a deep philosophical discussion.  What I can do is present my experience and belief and let you be the judge. 

Humans are flawed. There is not one who is perfect, except Jesus, when He spent time on Earth as a human. Everyone else? Mistake ridden, evil hearted, self-serving, flawed people.  The only ones who have managed to take a step in a better direction are those who have a relationship with God. And even then, they are full of miscalculation, unintended slights, and general obliviousness to others’ feelings. For those people, they’ve never intended to hurt others, but it still happens. 

Well, why does God allow it? Good question. Of course, the only logical answer is that if you want all that to stop, you just have to end humanity.  Completely.  Harsh.

I’ve heard, “Well, He could just stop them from doing that.” True. But then that takes away their choice, their free will. If He takes away theirs, then it takes away yours by default. Is that really what you want?

God desires us to get to know Him, really get to know Him, by choice. What kind of relationship is it if you’re there because you have to be? How much sweeter is it, when you’re there because you want to be? Once you get introduced to Him, He wants you to make decisions based on your relationship with Him.  I would no sooner buy a car without my husband’s input than I would take a job without God’s. He desires a real relationship where He is talked with (not to), where He is consulted for decisions, and where He gets to spend time with you.  But it is your decision.  Always.  He will not brow beat you.  He will not take away your free choice to decide on Him.

On the other hand, the humans that you measure God by constantly fail.  Man will never measure up. So if you are turning your back on God because of man, your eyes are on the wrong measuring stick. 

It’s hard to live in a world where people run rampant over others and their feelings, but there is One who rules over all of it. If you let Him, He can rule over your heart.  He can help you find compassion, faith, peace, and true joy.  Better than that, He can help you grow in them.  You may find some pale, anemic form of those things without Him.   With Him, though, you can grow it tenfold!

That, my friends, should be the goal.  Grow compassion.  Grow faith.  Grow peace.  Grow joy.  Become less like the self-serving people that offend and hurt.  Become more like God,  abounding in patience and kindness.  Let God guide you into a life filled with peace and joy and understand that it IS guidance and not control. 

He isn’t doing mass manipulation. 

He’s doing individual improvement. 

So the person you’ve allowed to be the measuring stick is still in their own improvement plan. That’s assuming they’re friends with Him. Don’t let the ones who don’t measure up (as in everyone, everywhere) stop you from claiming the joy that He brings when you open up to Him. 

Everything is between you and Him. Make Him your confidant.  He’s the only one who measures up.

If you don’t know Him as your friend, start now! Pray this prayer:

Lord, thank You for caring about me.  Thank You for coming to earth, dying on the cross, raising to life, and giving me hope and a future.  Please forgive me of my sins and make me new by becoming the Lord of my heart.  I invite You to lead me each day to get to know You better.  Thank You for saving me. I pray this in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

 

Changing God’s Mind

Changing God’s Mind

I have a question that I have been asking God for . . . oh, about 18 years now. I started asking the question when life seemed incredibly, ridiculously hard. Part of me wondered, had I brought this on myself? Part of me railed at God for not moving me out of the trials. Part of me blamed others for making my life harder.

So I asked Him. Is there a difference, Lord, between Your will and Your Perfect Will? For 18 years that question has popped up repeatedly. What have I done wrong, God? Where are You? Why are things so difficult? I’m doing what you asked. I’m attending church, I’m reading the Word, I’m praying. But, good grief, why? Why all this strife? Why all this misery? What if I had not followed my heart and chose to stop to listen to You? But what about Your influence in the path that I was on?

Dear Reader, let me tell you a story . . .

I was born originally into a house of alcoholism, abuse and neglect. These are not stories that I heard of my upbringing; these are the memories I have of my childhood. At the age of 6 I was rescued. An aunt and uncle figured out the problem and I went to live with them. All of that is a story in itself. But, escape I did, and went to live with the aunt and uncle. From now on I will refer to them as Mom and Dad.

I lived with Mom and Dad from the age of 6 to the age of 12. At the age of 12, Dad decided to leave us, so I lived with Mom until the age of 25 (basically. I mean, I had that temporary stint out on my own, but you know . . .) Anyway, all of that was angst to me until I broke free of it at 19. It took me a while. I was ungrateful, angry, resentful, and took “poor, pitiful me” to a whole other level. But God got my attention, and I started making necessary changes in my thought processes. That was when I started to become friends with God. And He and I were pals. I still made mistakes. Show me a 19 year old that doesn’t! But I was learning and leaning. I was taking in what I could. It was rough and bumpy and filled with heartache, but I knew God had my back, I knew He loved me and would never leave me.

At 24 I met a man. He is currently my husband, but when I first met him, I was not impressed. He was everything I wasn’t looking for, I was sure of it. While I had grown up in a strict household and attended a very strict church, he seemed to have not had any of that. That was all just looks, on the surface, though. As I got to know him -mostly because he kept popping up in front of me, sometimes through no fault of his own- I realized that his heart was beautiful. And I fell for the heart. I didn’t know what it meant back then but looking back now I see that we were unequally yoked. While his core principles were the same and he loved God, we were still on different playing fields. At the dumb age of 24, I just believed that it gave us depth. I could not have been more wrong. What we have now because of it, is depth. What it gave us back then was heartache.

But God had a hand in it all. I just didn’t know that until MUCH later. To hear my husband say “but I prayed for you. I prayed that God would send me someone who would love me the way I needed to be loved,” actually broke my heart. God set me on this path. He directed my steps. Yes, I was foolish and made mistakes. Yes, I brought a lot of misery on myself. But it was also already orchestrated and set in motion.

He has his own story to tell and maybe one day he will let me tell it. But for now we’ll leave it at the very basic explanation that he had trust issues. Rightfully so, I might add. But still . . . I had to account for every second I wasn’t in his presence. This was before cell phones, you youngsters, so imagine having to tell someone your whereabouts every five minutes but you have lost your phone and no one around you has one either, except that ancient land line. Yeah. Deserted island and no communication but tell me where you are! It stressed me out so much while we were engaged that I broke it off. But when he apologized, and told me that he was wrong, and that he loved me, I believed it. I knew it was true! I just didn’t realize that it wasn’t fixed. And I fell for this man like a ton of bricks, y’all. There was no one else for me. There is no one else for me. We were engaged a year, then got married in 1995. Even with the break up and reconciliation, I fought his constant insecurity and the ever present demand of my time accounting for the next 5 years. At year 3, I started really getting tired of it. I was not a toddler, I was married. He was supposed to be a partner not a jailer. Had there been any indication of abuse in his nature, I would have taken off. However, there was no such bone in his body. Only insecurity and low self-esteem. So I tolerated it. And I was so in love and afraid of confrontation that I was his doormat. Whatever he wanted to accuse me of, it was fine because it wasn’t true. But then I started making poor choices. I was staying out later after work. I was taking my time coming home because I knew it drove him crazy. I would leave the house and not say where I was going. And we would go sometimes as much as a week without talking to each other. None of these were helping my marriage. But I was depressed, and frustrated and stuck between a rock of his insecurity and a hard place of my own making. At year 7 (5 years married), I snapped. I wasn’t doing it anymore. I loved him. I had two beautiful boys by him. But I was not a doormat. Something had to change. I certainly had. Gone was the old me. The new me was scary. The new me was fierce. The new me was still going to fight, but not the way I used to. For Pete’s sake! You will know I’m mad, you will understand my point, and you will back the hell off! And he, bless his heart, had no idea what to do with new Pam. I didn’t know what to do with new Pam. I scared me. I just knew it was going to be different. I was beyond sick of it.

And then I started wondering. Had I brought this on myself? Did my failure to listen to something God might have been telling me lead me down this path? Could this heartache have been avoided by running the other way from the unequal yoking? After 18 years I am still learning the difference between God’s will and God’s Perfect Will. Part of my confusion comes from the vision I had on our third date. We had been talking. I was finally attentive because I had seen his heart, but at this point I was by no means swayed. My roommate came out to tell me something, I turned to her to listen, and when I turned back around, I had a vision. My oldest son sat on his knee. I immediately turned away again. No, God. Just no. I wasn’t ever having children. My upbringing had convinced me that you can never be sure of a partner. Or that, if you were sure of them when it was just the two of you, you couldn’t be sure once kids came along.

Needless to say, I found myself married with children and still struggling. Today, if you asked “Would I do it again?”, I don’t know what my answer would be. But since we can’t go back, I can ask myself, “What can I learn from this?” But, more often, I found myself asking “was this Your will?” And I still draw a blank sometimes. Yes, I had the vision. Does that mean that God was the orchestrator, or does that mean He took my choice and formed a plan? I’ve heard it said “well, God knows everything, even the choices we make, so He is in control of everything.” And I do believe He is in control. But I also know He gives us choices. I think He sets the choices before us, wanting us to make the one that serves Him best, but allowing us to have our desires. The only way we can be in His perfect will is if we are asking Him continuously, “what is Your choice?” And then following His guidance. Where I so often trip up is in the asking for His guidance. I’m sure that, had I asked, so many of the trials could have been avoided. Had I sought God’s guidance, I could have missed some of the misery entirely. But I think that some of it still would have been my lot, because we grow from the trials. At least, we should. If you are in the middle of difficulty and your eyes are turned toward God, you can’t help but learn. If you are facing sorrow, and you don’t ask why but ask what can I learn from this, you will definitely grow in the Lord. Are you facing a storm? In the middle of difficulty? Need an answer? Stop asking “why me?” Why you? Because everyone goes through trouble, and usually because we don’t line our choices up with God’s Word or His choices. Learn to pray “Your will be done” and to ask what His will is. Part of what we fail to understand, though, is that not only do we have freedom of choice, but so do all the other people in our sphere of influence. And just because you may be following God’s guidance, doesn’t mean that everyone else is. While we are certainly subject to the consequences of our own decisions, sometimes we are also subject to the consequences of the decisions of others. There is no limit to the ways our lives are buffeted by others. The important thing is to do your part of following after God and trust that He is looking out for you. You can do nothing about the other people and their choices, nor can you force them into doing things your way. The only thing you can do is take charge of your own emotions, and then give EVERYTHING up to God.

Can you change His mind? Sure. Read Exodus, Jeremiah, Amos, Jonah. I’m not sure it’s a true change of thought, though. It seems much more a father relenting than anything else. But the “effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” He listens to us and grants us our prayers when they line up with His true nature (love) and shine the light on His glory and Presence.

Would I change His mind, if I could go back and fervently pray for a pass? I think I possibly could have. But then it wouldn’t have been me loving my husband. It would have been someone else. And they may not have done as good a job as I have. And I wouldn’t have the two beautiful man-children that I have. Because I was NEVER having kids. I could have changed God’s mind. I’m sure of it. But even with the heartache and trauma, His plan is best. So I’ll just trust His will for my life. This isn’t the life I ordered, but it’s infinitely more beautiful and meaningful that what I picked.

Self-inflicted suffering

“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic; true power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you; breathe and allow things to pass.” -Unknown

In today’s world it seems that most people are ready to be offended at the slightest thing. It’s one thing for a child to take to heart the hurtful words thrown his way, and quite another for an adult to get offended because someone else’s view doesn’t match their own.

My previous post talks about hurtful words. This post is about taking away that power. Words can only hurt you if you let them. At some point in your life, and hopefully before you become an adult, you have to realize that words are just words. And even if they hurt, you can control the power they have over you by controlling your own reaction. The only power anyone and any word can have over you is the power you give it.

I know a man who says to himself everyday “I am my own sunshine.” Don’t get me wrong, he loves God. He lives for God. But telling himself this phrase is his way of reminding himself that he does not have to let the shadows of negativity in. He can remain the calmest person in the face of the biggest meltdown. And he has seen some doozies! Regardless of the emotional whirlwind in front of him, he can stand still and let the storm pass. And he doesn’t take it personally. He’s the better for it, too.

Learning this lesson is tough. Especially in today’s world where everyone has the right to be offended and to say anything they want because, hey, free speech. Matthew 24:10 says “And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.” In the prophetic words of Jesus, we see American society today. The constant haranguing of anyone with a differing opinion, the excessive need to be right, and the constant trampling of other’s rights in order to be the right one, are all leaving an indelible impression on the next generation. Why should your child learn to “let it go” when you clearly can’t? What, exactly, do we think we are teaching our children? Yes, words hurt. But you can choose to say “that person doesn’t know what they are talking about” or “that does not apply to me, no matter what they say”. Will we teach our children to open a dialogue instead of a name-calling session? Will we teach our children, by our own actions, to put aside those words and focus on their own actions and to take responsibility for them? Teach your daughter, that little Suzy saying she’s ugly, is not only untrue, but shows just how little Suzy thinks of herself.

And teach your son that just because little Justin said he’s dumb, doesn’t make it so . . . and that punching Justin for saying it is just as wrong as Justin saying it. I believe this is why we have so many adults who throw temper tantrums over words. Come on, y’all. They’re just words. You have full control of your own actions and emotions. Take charge. And stop letting the other person control you.

What lesson are you teaching your child? How can you improve your response to hurtful words? Do have conversations about this very thing with your children? In the family, don’t just be the example. Be an example AND an instructor.

Beautiful You 

The above is an excerpt from Sir Edward Richardson’s Pamela, or Virtue Rewarded. They come from a father admonishing his daughter against pride in/becoming puffed up over her beauty, a thing she had no hand in.

When I read this bit, I was taken back to a poem I wrote in high school. I called it Beautiful to You. In it, I cried out to God, asking him to make me beautiful in His eyes. To do a work on the inside, hoping it would make me more attractive on the outside. You see, I thought I was ugly. Not just ugly, but the ugliest thing imaginable. And there were so many who just reaffirmed that. I didn’t realize how false that was until I hit adulthood.

I fell in love for the first time at 19. What a change flattery can make! Then I learned that the only interest that first love ever had in me was based entirely on my looks and how they might help him. That was just as devastating as growing up believing I was ugly. And I saw, quickly, that I could “have no praise due to me for it”.

In high school, I cried out to God for beauty. As a young adult I alternately gave Him thanks for my looks and was angry for my looks. In the end I just wanted Him to see me as beautiful, and forget the people. I yearned to hear from the One who made me. All those others who had convinced me that I was ugly, wounded me. But I would find my solace in God. And so I developed a relationship with the One who made me.

I’m sure that many of those who called me names, who went out of their way to be mean, to hurt, to laugh at me never believed that they were just expanding an already big problem for me. I know for a fact that some of them believed I thought too much of myself (I did say before that I worked very hard NOT to be so shy and introverted, that gets confused with stuck-up a lot). But the damage was done regardless.

If I could instruct every single child on the planet in one thing, it would be this: watch your words. Words DO hurt. Words can cause irreparable damage. If I had not turned to God, I think depression would have taken hold of me to such a degree that I would not have been able to escape it. And while children are mean enough to their peers, adults do just as much damage with a careless word or thoughtless tease. It seems crazy to me the number of adults in my own life who hurt me with their words. (On a side note, there is another post coming concerning the notion that, come on, they are just words.)

Let every person tell every child: You are beautiful. You are precious. You are worthy. You are loved. These should be standard phrases in the house of a child. Sadly, that is not true. If you spend any time with a child, tell them these things. But also, tell yourself these things. You need to hear it, too. Whether you are 5, 15, or 95, YOU need to hear it! You are beautiful! I thank God for a mother who encouraged me to think for myself, who gave me support, and had I confessed these feelings to her as a child, I have no doubt she would have fought like a mama bear protecting her young to keep anyone from saying anything amiss. (Unfortunately, this is probably her first time knowing it.) But I came to grips with my feelings of inadequacy, where my looks were concerned, years ago. I now hold no illusions about myself. I look like me. I look like God created me to look. It is neither beauty nor beastly. It is the me He made. And I am good with that.

If you are not good with who you are, are not happy with the Creator’s design of you, take it up with Him. He won’t change how you look, but He will change how you feel about it. In the meantime, have a listen . . .

Finding hope . . .

There are any number of people who wake up daily with no hope. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no friends to support them in the hard times, no family to hold them up when things go awry. Sometimes it truly is that they lack those elements in their lives. Sometimes it’s a situation of their own making. Do you know someone who is living hopeless? Someone who goes from day to day drowning in life’s troubles? Do you know anyone that you can encourage and lend hope to?

I was born into a household with alcoholism, physical and sexual abuse, and neglect. When I was around 5 years old, I tried to run away. I can remember two specific failed attempts but there may have been others. It still amazes me that my 5 year old self was more afraid of the inside of the house than what was outside. And I thank God that I never succeeded at running away. Can you imagine? Even in 1976, a child alone on the streets would not have found herself in any good situation. I would have gone from the frying pan into the fire. And had I succeeded, I never would have made it into a better situation. That better situation presented itself when I was 6. I had an aunt and uncle who recognized what was going on and convinced my biological father to sign me over in guardianship (to avoid charges) and we moved out of state.

That aunt and uncle kept me, fed me, clothed me, cared for me. They made me safe. They made me FEEL safe. I got to grow up with their children and I learned how not to live in fear. But more than that, they gave me hope. I discovered I didn’t have to hide somewhere and be quiet. There was no reason for me to be afraid to be noticed. They made me feel safe. They made me part of the family. My aunt, who I call Mom, counseled me and opened the door for me to talk to her. She also encouraged me (when I was a little older) to start a journal. They let me see that life didn’t have to be the way it used to. That I could look forward to things and not be afraid of people. I still tend to be introverted and shy. Sometimes it’s hard for me to meet new people. But if they hadn’t been the patient, loving people they were, you would never have heard from me.

My life hasn’t been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Just because I was rescued from that situation doesn’t mean I still haven’t endured other hardships. But that is life. No one has an easy path. It’s all struggle to the person living it. I can’t hear someone else’s story and think “that’s all you had to deal with?” Because to them, that hardship was huge. For that person, that one thing was just as major as my struggle was to me. No one gets out of life easy. You can’t look at some person you don’t know and assume that they are living free of trouble. Their trouble doesn’t look like your trouble, but that doesn’t make it trouble-free for them. So when you see that person who looks like they have it all together, and they are griping about something that seems ridiculous, try some patience. Try some compassion.

Consider this person: You are standing in line in the grocery store. Maybe you are the third, fourth, or possibly fifth person in line. The lady checking out has coupons and she’s going ballistic because an item she’s trying to buy isn’t the same as the one on the coupon. Almost, but not quite. So she’s losing it. She’s screaming at the cashier and wants her savings and isn’t concerned in the least that she’s holding up the line for 15 cents. The others in line are getting mad at her. The cashier has called the manager. There is a collective groan from the patrons in the store. The manager gives her the 15 cents (maybe, maybe not) and sends her on her way. Everyone else is just relieved she’s left the line, and the store.

When she gets outside and into her car, she breaks down. Her world is unraveling before her eyes. She was threatened with the loss of her job because she’s taken off so much work lately. She has taken off from work so much because her husband has a terminal illness and the hospital sent him home today with no expectation of seeing him again. She has no food in the house because she has spent the last few weeks at the hospital whenever she wasn’t at work. So she came to the store, trying to make what few dollars she has count. And the coupon was wrong. It was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back. Everyone else in the store only saw a temper tantrum from a woman old enough to know better. But her world is unraveling. And she was grasping at the strings trying to hold it together. Trying to take back some of the control of her circumstances.

I’m just as guilty as the next person of getting upset with a woman like that. But I do try to give that person the benefit of the doubt. For one thing, life is too short to be so worked up about those few minutes I waited. And more importantly, my patience and compassion in that situation could have saved her life. At the very least, it could have been an offering of hope. A “hey, you aren’t alone in this” moment of support. We all need that, at one time or another.

People today need hope. We need to offer it. If it’s the lady in the checkout line, the man at the gas pump, the waitress who messed up your order, the cashier who got your change wrong, it doesn’t matter. They need the smile, the patience, the encouragement that it will eventually be okay.

There are any number of people who wake up daily with no hope. So do you know someone who is living hopeless? Someone who goes from day to day drowning in life’s troubles? Do you know anyone that you can encourage and lend hope to?

You In The Chaos

You In The Chaos

It was the end of May 2015. There had been one blow after another and I was struggling. I have HUGE faith. Need someone to pray for resolution in your life? That would be me. I know Who my rock is. I know Who my fortress is. I have never been let down by Him. But I have let me down.

At the end of May, my best friend died and after months of storms, I needed an anchor for that one. But I found myself alone and angry and bitter. Instead of remembering Who stands in the storm, waiting for me, I closed in on myself. It wasn’t that I was alone. It was that I simply chose not to go to my Father with my hurt. The following poem was my waking up to the truth that I was the one who made myself alone.

YOU IN THE CHAOS
Standing in this rocking boat, wind howling on every side
Water stinging my face as the waves toss us around
Everything is out of control and it’s taking its toll
I’m sure this ship is sunk and there is no hope

Then I see You out there, standing on the water
Clear as day despite the chaos. You call to me
How? How can You call me to You?
Yet my spirit strains forward toward You.

My thoughts race and in my mind I see me
Stepping over the side and walking to You,
But my mind rejects the image. You can’t think that I can.
I am not You, I cannot do as You do.

You stand there in the middle of chaos and call me to You.
My spirit strains forward, needing to reach You
I determine to try this that You ask of me.
So I tighten my resolve and step over the side.

My eyes are fixed on You and I step toward You
And I’m amazed that I can, that I’m still here,
Doing the impossible, coming toward You.
You are still before me and my spirit is ever straining.

I must reach You. I step forward once more and
Get slapped with a wave. The stinging pain shocks me
My eyes are on You but my mind is overcome.
The pain and the chaos disorient me.

I hear the howling wind, then I see the waves rising
I know that I am sunk. I am not You. I cannot do as You do.
You stand there in the middle of chaos, peace personified.
You are unmoved by the wind and waves.

And You call me to You. My spirit strains to reach You.
You reach for me and I am saved by Your hand. I am held up by You.
You, my Lord, have lifted me and saved me from drowning.
You lifted me up among the waves, you walked me through the wind.

You took me back to the safety of the ship and helped me in.
You helped me in and then calmed the wind.
I cannot do as You do. I am not You.
But my spirit strains toward You and I am saved.

Pam Whitehead