Category: Christian

Jesus CHOSE Judas

I can’t get this out of my head.  Maybe writing it here will help, if I can get it down right.  

Over the years, there have been sayings that arise from the unique situation of Jesus’s betrayer also being with Him at the last supper.  I’m sure you’ve heard “Jesus washed Judas’s feet” or “Judas ate too.”  This week I heard another and can’t stop thinking about it.  I heard someone say, “Jesus loved so well, no one knew it was Judas.”  

I have been wrecked.  

That one statement has taken me back to the very beginning of Jesus’ ministry.  I think I had just brushed over all that.  Partly because it was unthinkable to me.  But also, because these sayings center on the Passover dinner shared the night Jesus was betrayed.  My thinking was focused on one event in time.  

Until I heard the last one.  “Jesus loved so well, no one knew it was Judas.” I started thinking about how well Jesus had to love for that to be true. And we know it was true. At the last supper Jesus announced that one of them would betray Him and the disciples wanted to know who.  Even when He pointed it out, they missed it.  Maybe that was Jesus working to preserve the peace while letting Judas know that He expected the betrayal.  But I started wondering how I would have taken it.  

I think when the disciples heard that news, they started looking back in their memory, to see which of them was capable of such a thing.  I’m sure they filtered through moments in the last year or two to see who might have the ability to betray their friend, the Son of God.  And they came up with nothing. They could not find anything to point out the offender.  

Judas was obviously a very good man or a very good pretender.  

When you consider that Jesus sent the twelve out to preach the gospel and heal the sick (Matthew 10, Mark 3:16-19, Luke 6:14-16) and Judas was part of the group, you realize he was no pretender.  Even Peter tells the believers in Acts 1:15 that Judas “was one of our number and shared in our ministry.” Judas is named in every account as both one of their number and as the betrayer. Peter tells the believers in Acts that Judas had a role to fill. Each gospel points out that duality.  

But I got hung up on the fact that Jesus chose Judas.  Yes, Judas was one of the twelve.  My mind, though, goes to the fact that Jesus knew when He chose Judas.  He knew what Judas’s role was and never once let on to anyone else that it was Judas. For three years they traveled together, ate together, ministered together. Judas even had charge of the group’s money (John 13:29).  Jesus could just as easily have chosen another to keep the money.   

Jesus ate, traveled, laughed, talked, and ministered with Judas for three years. The disciples couldn’t bring one thought to mind of who could betray Jesus? 

Jesus loved Judas so well that He never treated Judas any different from the other disciples.   

I am not on Jesus’s level, of course.  But I doubt that I can do that.  Look my betrayer in the face every day and not be “off” where they were concerned?  I’m sure my human nature would break at some point and want to shun them or call them out.  It took Jesus to help me forgive those who have hurt me. Living with them every day and treating them like one of the family would take a miracle.  

It makes me realize how much work I must do.   

I have a lot of work to do to squelch my self-serving parts. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to reign in my actions and my thoughts. I have a lot of work still to do to put Jesus out front and make myself stand behind Him.  

I don’t think I will ever look at Judas the same. He’s known for being a thief and a betrayer. The One whom he betrayed loved him deeply. The love was so profound that even Peter called him one of their own. He was loved so well by Jesus that no one knew he would betray Jesus. 

I don’t want to be Judas.  

Of course I don’t want to betray Jesus. I don’t want the guilt of knowing I was loved so well and turned my back on it. I want to always see the forgiveness available and not be crushed by the guilt.  

Guilt does not have to crush us. We can turn to the One who loves us and ask Him for forgiveness and receive it.  He is ready to forgive us if we are ready to give Him our guilt. If you are living under a crushing weight of guilt, come to Jesus. Give it to Him. Pray with me: 

“Jesus, thank You for Your overwhelming love.  I need You to take this guilt from me, Lord. I’m so sorry for my actions and the things that I have done.  I ask You to take this weight from me and forgive me.  I choose You and I choose to follow You and give up the life that led me into this guilt. Thank You Lord for saving me. Amen” 

You are new!

You are new!

Are you struggling with sins of the past? Do you wonder what God could ever see in you? Do you think you have too many scars to be of any value? We have all felt that way, at some point in our lives. But we have hope! God tells us that He loves us. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So His love for us never changes! Still not sure? Let me introduce you to Snuggles.

20250416_202736724081514975231293

When I was around six years old, I was given a doll as a gift. She was the most beautiful thing ever, as far as I was concerned. I didn’t even know I needed her until I met her. I loved everything about her! Her blond hair was beautiful. Her soft purple body was comforting. The mechanism that made her snuggle amazed me. I couldn’t imagine not loving her. Almost instantly (possibly that same night) I got sick and threw up on her. I was horrified! She was the best thing ever and I just made the biggest mess! On her! Then in an attempt to clean her up, it was decided to put her in the washing machine. That was a mistake. By the time she got through the washing and air drying, her snuggle mechanism was seriously affected. It no longer worked properly. And then over the years there were accidents. A tear here, a lost thread there; and her hair started getting that tangled shabby look. But I still loved her. None of the scars changed how I felt about her. She was the first doll I ever remember owning and she was special to me. That was over 40 years ago and I still have her. My friend, Carolyn, helped me straighten out her hair, removed the defective snuggle mechanism, and patched up any holes. And while she looks better, she will never look the way she did coming out of the box.

“For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the LORD.” Psalm 117:2

Do you think that those stitches on her body affected the way I felt about her? Did the missing mechanism change my feelings? Did the crazy hair change how I looked at her? Does it change how I see her now? Does it make me love her less? Absolutely not! In fact, she is more precious to me because she has survived these things! And yes, I still have her. She has been with me through multiple moves. It didn’t matter if items were lost. Lack of space was never an issue. It doesn’t matter that I am old enough now to pass her down to a grandchild when they come along. Do you know that the Lord loves you in this same way? He doesn’t see the scars. He doesn’t care how messy you are. He just loves you. You. Exactly the way you are. He loves you too much to leave you that way, but He loves you in spite of the mess and the scars.

God cherishes us. It’s even better than the way I cherish this poor 40+ year old doll. The doll has stitches, crazy hair, and a missing mechanism but I love her. And He loves us.  Each of us.  In our own way.  But He loves us too much to let us stay ragged and dirty. He loves us enough to want us to be better, to be more like Him.  Can you imagine if I had kept the doll but never washed the vomit off of her? What if I had never repaired the holes in her body? She would still be precious to me, certainly. But I can guarantee that I would not have her near me where I could smell her or see her. I am human, though. Our stench does not offend God. There is nothing that you could do, have done, or are doing that makes Him love you less.  Nothing.  But He isn’t going to leave you the way you are, either. As you come to Him (with your mess, your brokenness, and your wounds) He is faithful to meet you. He is faithful in His love for you. And He gently prods us to put away the old and become new in Him.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

I have put much repair into Snuggles. Despite this, she will never look exactly the same as when she came out of the box. We, as God’s children, have a different outcome. As we grow in God, we become more like Him. We have the eternal promise that one day, no one will be able to see our scars. When we enter heaven, we will have nothing of the old slowing us down. No shame to hold us back. No fear of people’s opinions to make us shrink into ourselves. We will be new in Christ and He will be our light! Between here and eternity, we can get a head start on letting God make us new. A daily talk with Him, time in His word are some steps we can take now. Studying who God is and who we are in Him will lead us into more life changing steps. These steps will help stitch up the broken seams, wash the filth from us, and remove the broken elements. These steps will make us into even more newness. The more of these steps you take, the less you look like the old you! The less you look like the old you, the more you look like Christ! Snuggles can never look as she did when she was new. Even if she is clean and fully repaired, that new look is lost forever. Unlike Snuggles, we have a greater hope! We can be transformed into something that doesn’t even resemble the person we once were. What a testimony! What a signal of hope to someone else who feels that their scars are too much for God.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Perspective

FeaturedPerspective

Today I was late to church.

I struggled all morning and had really decided NOT to go. But about half an hour before the service started, I realized I had to be in town anyway for a couple of things and so decided to go ahead and go to church.
My struggle today had nothing to do with the time change or this allergy cold that hit me last week. My struggle today had everything to do with the fact that I was headed, once again, to a service by myself. And I just didn’t want to.


Now, I have attended church for years, primarily by myself. Most days, I just breeze right in without a thought or care of my singleness. But there are days. Days like today. Where it hits me hard. I don’t love being single. I’m in no hurry to be part of a duo, but I’m not in love with being single forever.
There were a lot of years, too, where I was married and still attended singly. If you have been in a similar situation, you can testify that it can be even MORE difficult when your soul’s desire is a helpmate to lead spiritually in the household. Someone to take your hand and say, “Let’s go to the house of the Lord.” But for the majority of my Christian walk, I go alone.


And today I was late. I walked into the service and saw a full house and wanted to cry at the thought of telling the usher I just needed one seat.
So I fled to the balcony, praying there would be seats. There were.
I had a talk with Jesus during worship. I asked forgiveness for my tooty attitude. I thanked Him for the opportunity to come to church in a country that so far has not outlawed it. And I solidified my vow that regardless of my relationship status, I serve Him, and Him only.


He reminded me that this place of worship I attend is FULL of people I know and love and that some of them love me back. I looked over the balcony wall to the congregation below and saw so many of those very people. And nearly every one of them had an empty seat next to them. He pointed out that had I not let my feelings take over, I could have found a spot. I could have sat in community with friends who also worship my God. And He reminded me this is temporary. This season is short in the grand scheme. At the end of this season, I’ll either no longer be alone or no longer be lonely. And the One who fills that spot will be there either way.

But He also reminded me that there are a multitude of people, even just in this town, that don’t attend church for this very reason. People who don’t have a community yet. People who face the daunting prospect of walking into a place where they know no one. People who walk into an unfamiliar building just hoping that someone will be friendly and hospitable and welcoming.

He reminded me that today I had not been that person that He asked me to be. I was not welcoming. I was not hospitable. I was not friendly. I had curled into myself and pouted. Certainly, we are allowed to be human. And humans have feelings. But I chose to let my feelings lead me instead of making the choice to let Him have those feelings and put Him front and center for someone else who may have felt that singleness.

He was ever so gentle. I was ever so chastised.

Lord, help me be the person You have called me to be.

Changing God’s Mind

Changing God’s Mind

I have a question that I have been asking God for . . . oh, about 18 years now. I started asking the question when life seemed incredibly, ridiculously hard. Part of me wondered, had I brought this on myself? Part of me railed at God for not moving me out of the trials. Part of me blamed others for making my life harder.

So I asked Him. Is there a difference, Lord, between Your will and Your Perfect Will? For 18 years that question has popped up repeatedly. What have I done wrong, God? Where are You? Why are things so difficult? I’m doing what you asked. I’m attending church, I’m reading the Word, I’m praying. But, good grief, why? Why all this strife? Why all this misery? What if I had not followed my heart and chose to stop to listen to You? But what about Your influence in the path that I was on?

Dear Reader, let me tell you a story . . .

I was born originally into a house of alcoholism, abuse and neglect. These are not stories that I heard of my upbringing; these are the memories I have of my childhood. At the age of 6 I was rescued. An aunt and uncle figured out the problem and I went to live with them. All of that is a story in itself. But, escape I did, and went to live with the aunt and uncle. From now on I will refer to them as Mom and Dad.

I lived with Mom and Dad from the age of 6 to the age of 12. At the age of 12, Dad decided to leave us, so I lived with Mom until the age of 25 (basically. I mean, I had that temporary stint out on my own, but you know . . .) Anyway, all of that was angst to me until I broke free of it at 19. It took me a while. I was ungrateful, angry, resentful, and took “poor, pitiful me” to a whole other level. But God got my attention, and I started making necessary changes in my thought processes. That was when I started to become friends with God. And He and I were pals. I still made mistakes. Show me a 19 year old that doesn’t! But I was learning and leaning. I was taking in what I could. It was rough and bumpy and filled with heartache, but I knew God had my back, I knew He loved me and would never leave me.

At 24 I met a man. He is currently my husband, but when I first met him, I was not impressed. He was everything I wasn’t looking for, I was sure of it. While I had grown up in a strict household and attended a very strict church, he seemed to have not had any of that. That was all just looks, on the surface, though. As I got to know him -mostly because he kept popping up in front of me, sometimes through no fault of his own- I realized that his heart was beautiful. And I fell for the heart. I didn’t know what it meant back then but looking back now I see that we were unequally yoked. While his core principles were the same and he loved God, we were still on different playing fields. At the dumb age of 24, I just believed that it gave us depth. I could not have been more wrong. What we have now because of it, is depth. What it gave us back then was heartache.

But God had a hand in it all. I just didn’t know that until MUCH later. To hear my husband say “but I prayed for you. I prayed that God would send me someone who would love me the way I needed to be loved,” actually broke my heart. God set me on this path. He directed my steps. Yes, I was foolish and made mistakes. Yes, I brought a lot of misery on myself. But it was also already orchestrated and set in motion.

He has his own story to tell and maybe one day he will let me tell it. But for now we’ll leave it at the very basic explanation that he had trust issues. Rightfully so, I might add. But still . . . I had to account for every second I wasn’t in his presence. This was before cell phones, you youngsters, so imagine having to tell someone your whereabouts every five minutes but you have lost your phone and no one around you has one either, except that ancient land line. Yeah. Deserted island and no communication but tell me where you are! It stressed me out so much while we were engaged that I broke it off. But when he apologized, and told me that he was wrong, and that he loved me, I believed it. I knew it was true! I just didn’t realize that it wasn’t fixed. And I fell for this man like a ton of bricks, y’all. There was no one else for me. There is no one else for me. We were engaged a year, then got married in 1995. Even with the break up and reconciliation, I fought his constant insecurity and the ever present demand of my time accounting for the next 5 years. At year 3, I started really getting tired of it. I was not a toddler, I was married. He was supposed to be a partner not a jailer. Had there been any indication of abuse in his nature, I would have taken off. However, there was no such bone in his body. Only insecurity and low self-esteem. So I tolerated it. And I was so in love and afraid of confrontation that I was his doormat. Whatever he wanted to accuse me of, it was fine because it wasn’t true. But then I started making poor choices. I was staying out later after work. I was taking my time coming home because I knew it drove him crazy. I would leave the house and not say where I was going. And we would go sometimes as much as a week without talking to each other. None of these were helping my marriage. But I was depressed, and frustrated and stuck between a rock of his insecurity and a hard place of my own making. At year 7 (5 years married), I snapped. I wasn’t doing it anymore. I loved him. I had two beautiful boys by him. But I was not a doormat. Something had to change. I certainly had. Gone was the old me. The new me was scary. The new me was fierce. The new me was still going to fight, but not the way I used to. For Pete’s sake! You will know I’m mad, you will understand my point, and you will back the hell off! And he, bless his heart, had no idea what to do with new Pam. I didn’t know what to do with new Pam. I scared me. I just knew it was going to be different. I was beyond sick of it.

And then I started wondering. Had I brought this on myself? Did my failure to listen to something God might have been telling me lead me down this path? Could this heartache have been avoided by running the other way from the unequal yoking? After 18 years I am still learning the difference between God’s will and God’s Perfect Will. Part of my confusion comes from the vision I had on our third date. We had been talking. I was finally attentive because I had seen his heart, but at this point I was by no means swayed. My roommate came out to tell me something, I turned to her to listen, and when I turned back around, I had a vision. My oldest son sat on his knee. I immediately turned away again. No, God. Just no. I wasn’t ever having children. My upbringing had convinced me that you can never be sure of a partner. Or that, if you were sure of them when it was just the two of you, you couldn’t be sure once kids came along.

Needless to say, I found myself married with children and still struggling. Today, if you asked “Would I do it again?”, I don’t know what my answer would be. But since we can’t go back, I can ask myself, “What can I learn from this?” But, more often, I found myself asking “was this Your will?” And I still draw a blank sometimes. Yes, I had the vision. Does that mean that God was the orchestrator, or does that mean He took my choice and formed a plan? I’ve heard it said “well, God knows everything, even the choices we make, so He is in control of everything.” And I do believe He is in control. But I also know He gives us choices. I think He sets the choices before us, wanting us to make the one that serves Him best, but allowing us to have our desires. The only way we can be in His perfect will is if we are asking Him continuously, “what is Your choice?” And then following His guidance. Where I so often trip up is in the asking for His guidance. I’m sure that, had I asked, so many of the trials could have been avoided. Had I sought God’s guidance, I could have missed some of the misery entirely. But I think that some of it still would have been my lot, because we grow from the trials. At least, we should. If you are in the middle of difficulty and your eyes are turned toward God, you can’t help but learn. If you are facing sorrow, and you don’t ask why but ask what can I learn from this, you will definitely grow in the Lord. Are you facing a storm? In the middle of difficulty? Need an answer? Stop asking “why me?” Why you? Because everyone goes through trouble, and usually because we don’t line our choices up with God’s Word or His choices. Learn to pray “Your will be done” and to ask what His will is. Part of what we fail to understand, though, is that not only do we have freedom of choice, but so do all the other people in our sphere of influence. And just because you may be following God’s guidance, doesn’t mean that everyone else is. While we are certainly subject to the consequences of our own decisions, sometimes we are also subject to the consequences of the decisions of others. There is no limit to the ways our lives are buffeted by others. The important thing is to do your part of following after God and trust that He is looking out for you. You can do nothing about the other people and their choices, nor can you force them into doing things your way. The only thing you can do is take charge of your own emotions, and then give EVERYTHING up to God.

Can you change His mind? Sure. Read Exodus, Jeremiah, Amos, Jonah. I’m not sure it’s a true change of thought, though. It seems much more a father relenting than anything else. But the “effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” He listens to us and grants us our prayers when they line up with His true nature (love) and shine the light on His glory and Presence.

Would I change His mind, if I could go back and fervently pray for a pass? I think I possibly could have. But then it wouldn’t have been me loving my husband. It would have been someone else. And they may not have done as good a job as I have. And I wouldn’t have the two beautiful man-children that I have. Because I was NEVER having kids. I could have changed God’s mind. I’m sure of it. But even with the heartache and trauma, His plan is best. So I’ll just trust His will for my life. This isn’t the life I ordered, but it’s infinitely more beautiful and meaningful that what I picked.

What’s Your Word for 2019?

Several years ago, I was given a journal and a photocopied article from Guidepost magazine.  The article was an interview with Debbie Macomber, a writer, who discussed her tradition of having a word for the year.  Sometimes, she chose the word herself.  Sometimes, the word was given to her by a friend or loved one.  Sometimes, the word seemed to be sent from God Himself.  So taking the journal and the hint, I started trying to figure out what my word for the year would be.

There have been difficult years.  The year FORGIVENESS was my word was an agonizing year.  Trying to navigate through what God was teaching me about forgiveness had to be the most painful thing ever, up to that point.  I’ve also had HOPE, FEAR, PATIENCE, EMPATHY, and WORSHIP.  Some years, obviously, are easier than others.  Some years I have struggled with the lessons He teaches.

This year, the word for 2019 is VICTORY.  This is the hardest one yet.  How can that be, you ask?  That’s a great word!  That, my friend, is an amazing thing to look forward to! Right?  Let me explain.

For those of you who don’t know, my husband was sick, then injured, then laid off at the beginning of 2015. He decided to apply for disability due to his lupus.  Four years later, we are in the act of submitting the eighth appeal, even though his health has declined to the point that he needs oxygen 24/7 and spends as much time (if not more) in the hospital than out. In that 4 years, we lost 80% of our income and were thrown a huge curve ball by the IRS. We continue to fight for disability, deal with depression (his, mine, the kids), deal with his declining health, and try to keep us afloat in the face of bills, bills, bills.

Last July, I was faced with a TRUTH from God that shook me to my core. He showed me how I had been specifically chosen for this path. He showed me that I was the one called to this task and placed here by Him. Please don’t misunderstand me. We are all called to the path that He has laid out before us. Sometimes those paths are difficult or painful or veer off on a detour because of the choices we make, or because of the choices others make. Our God is a God of free will, but He will absolutely use the worst situations in our lives to bring about beautiful, inspiring and amazing things for us, if we let Him. How many times have you looked back and been able to see such a thing? This relationship was terrible and toxic, but see my beautiful child. Being fired from that job hurt worse than anything but look at the awesome job I have now. Truthfully, there is good that comes out of anything for those that believe in Him. It is hard sometimes to see the beauty from the ashes, but that could be because the beauty resides in the heavenly realms with God and out of our natural vision. Still, it is painful. It is hurtful. It is difficult. It is NOT FAIR! And I was faced with this sudden understanding that I had been chosen specifically for this hard path, this difficult life.

I am not blameless. Some things on this path were definitely inflicted because of my bad choices. My need to prove myself worthy or prove someone else right took over at times, and I caved to the enemy’s schemes. I could have made my life easier at times. Not by much, but still. It seems that the majority of my life has been me being buffeted about by the choices and consequences of others. And my choice, aside from those bad ones, has been to lean on God. He is my Rock. My Fortress. My ever present Help in time of trouble. And then He gave me that TRUTH. I was wounded and angry. I felt that I would have been better off remaining ignorant of His plan. And I was angry at my Maker. Most of the explosive anger has simmered down. It took me a month to even acknowledge Him. And then another month or so to speak to Him. But, like being angry with your spouse, I spoke about the day to day things and avoided the elephant in the room. Last weekend He called me on it and reminded me to forgive Him. He does, after all, have my best interests at heart.

There I was, right before Christmas. A new year around the corner, a new word, and not even interested in finding one. Pfffft! What would be the point anyway? (Note: There is always a point. Don’t be fooled.)

The week before Christmas I was reading an article online and the word VICTORY popped out at me. I mean POPPED out at me. Pffffffffffftttt! A few days later, I’m listening to the radio and some lady is talking about her journey and she talks about her VICTORY. Whatev. The Sunday before Christmas, one of our worship leaders says between songs that she feels 2019 will be the year of VICTORY for someone. She ain’t talking to me. The Sunday after New Year’s the second worship song is You Have Won the VICTORY. Really? The next Monday, I finally crack open my new study journal. The first chapter I’m supposed to read is Genesis 14 and it’s titled “The Blessing of VICTORY for God’s People.” Oookkaaaay, God? The following Wednesday, my women’s group is starting the first lesson in The Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer. The first blank I’m supposed to fill in from the video lesson is VICTORY. Ok. So how many confirmations does it take? I am perfectly aware that the word victory has probably shown up in my life on a regular basis. Is there any church or Christian unfamiliar with the word? But to have it thrown at me so much in such a short time, I had to agree, finally, that VICTORY might just be my word for 2019.

The hardest part, is that at this point in this journey, what in all of creation could VICTORY look like? Does it mean healing for my husband? Does it mean he wins his disability? Does it mean a mutually acceptable resolution with the IRS? Does it mean I won’t be working four jobs? Does it mean my oldest son will be able to find a job? Does it mean my youngest will win a scholarship? Does it mean all the work on our house might actually get done or at least begun with a hope of continuing? I have been so beat down with our circumstances and issues and battles that I cannot even imagine what VICTORY means, let alone fathom what life could look like for us in 2020.

At least I know that God has good things in store and that He has good plans for us. I also know that prayer is key and that I’m going to have to get back on the wagon. After the TRUTH came out, I kind of stepped back on the serious prayer I had been active in. Now I know that I have to jump back in with both feet because VICTORY can NOT happen WITHOUT PRAYER!

How about you? Do you have a word for 2019? Was it gifted to you by a friend? Beat over your head by God? LOL. What’s your word and how did you get it? And what action does it mean you need to take? Are you ready?

A Plumb Line

A Plumb Line

My family and I have been through SOME stuff the last three years. Some good stuff, some bad stuff and then the stuff that is just . . .well, stuff. It happens in all our lives. It’s my belief that life is one long roller coaster, if you will. There are ups and there are downs. There are those moments when the track is flat. There are the moments when you feel like you are climbing with no idea of what’s waiting for you at the top. At least, this has been my experience. I would love to be wrong but I’m pretty sure this is how it goes for the general population, regardless of whatever means you use to measure your circumstances to others. It is the human condition.

After a year of SOME bad stuff, I learned how to let go. I found that I was literally at the end of my rope, I had no power, and no solutions. Coming to that realization, I cried out to God. “You know what, God, it’s all yours!” I was angry and frustrated and broken-hearted. “You can take all of it!” I cried for hours. And, bless the Lord, He did. He taught me that night that He really does have it all. He gave me the ultimate Peace. He brought me through all that sorrow to a place of rest. Did any of my circumstances change? Absolutely not. For the next two years hardly anything changed. Nothing really changed, that is, except that I had given it all to God. And the Peace that comes with that total surrender is the most amazing thing. It allowed me to do what I need to do, without the exhaustion, without the dread of daybreak. I no longer woke up fearing the next day, the next week, the next month. People would ask “How are you” and I could honestly say “I’m good”. Sure, there were times that I wasn’t having a great day or when circumstances were troubling, but they weren’t overwhelming me. They weren’t dragging me under the tidal wave.

Through those next two years, we still encountered SOME stuff. Some bad, some good, and then just some stuff. It is still a daily walk that requires me to give it to God. Daily. I find that taking my eyes off my Creator for any length of time allows the “What if” and “What would I do” questions to come up and take over my thought processes. And the answer is always “I can do nothing”. Taking my eyes off God is not an option for me anymore. I HAVE to surrender it to Him. I cannot function any other way. But I am learning another lesson now. Isn’t that just the way He is?

Even though I had given everything up to God, it doesn’t mean I am lining up with His plan. Even though I had even given my family up to God, doesn’t mean they are lining up with His plan. I am trying to bring myself into line, with the help of the Holy Spirit, and I am praying my family does the same. But tiny little choices, every day, can keep me out of alignment. Those insignificant little decisions can throw the line off by a hair. And if you add up enough hairs you get a full ponytail. Ha ha. You get my point.

He’s been working on me (and my family) but it has only been recently that it has started to look like we are finally lining up. I’m assuming all this started happening when I started taking my family and our situation back from the enemy. I had to get to a point where I had to put the concept behind Matthew 11:12 into practice. The verses leading up to it and including that verse refers to the sudden HUGE interest of the mass of people to hear the words of the prophet and Jesus. In the same way that the people clamored for the teachings, I am clamoring for restoration. I want Jesus to say of me, “heaven has suffered violence and the violent take it by force”. I want to bombard heaven with my request – no, my demand – for the blessings that Jesus himself preached and practiced: healing, peace, salvation, and love. I am bombarding heaven with prayers of His guidance, His calling, His mercy, and His plans. And He gave me this illustration:

I play a game called 1010. It’s a puzzle game where you try to create a full line using the blocks you are given. You can create a full line either horizontally or vertically. Once you create a full line, the line disappears. You lose the game when you have no space left to place the next block and therefore can’t create a full line. I have been playing for a few months now. My high score is 6103 and I have been trying to break that barrier for a while. I’m sure there are plenty of others out there with much higher scores. I don’t claim to be great at it, but I enjoy it and it helps me relax, strangely enough.

One day, in the middle of this taking heaven by force, I was praying and kept seeing these blocks and seeing a line forming. I couldn’t believe myself. Why am I thinking about this game? In the middle of praying here! Get out of my head! But then I’d be praying and there were these blocks again. I got to where I was seeing blocks when I wasn’t praying. Just to see if I was obsessed, I stopped playing the game for several days. But I was still seeing the blocks. So I had to ask God, “Is this You?” (I don’t claim to be quick, y’all!) And I saw the blocks again in prayer. Then He gave me understanding. I heard him saying that these blocks represent His plan, His will for my family. I saw each piece fitting into place, one at a time. “Why are they all vertical, Lord? You could make a line horizontally, too”. (Me instructing God how to play. I don’t claim to be bright, y’all.) To which He replied, “This is my plumb line. Your family will line up. You will line up. You need only surrender and continue to take your family back.” And then this:
Isaiah 54:11-17
O troubled one, storm-crushed, uncomforted! see, your stones will be framed in fair colours, and your bases will be sapphires. I will make your towers of rubies, and your doors of carbuncles, and the wall round you will be of all sorts of beautiful stones. And all your builders will be made wise by the Lord; and great will be the peace of your children. All your rights will be made certain to you: have no fear of evil, and destruction will not come near you. See, they may be moved to war, but not by my authority: all those who come together to make an attack on you, will be broken against you. See, I have made the iron-worker, blowing on the burning coals, and making the instrument of war by his work; and I have made the waster for destruction. No instrument of war which is formed against you will be of any use; and every tongue which says evil against you will be judged false. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness comes from me, says the Lord.

My response is “Ok, Lord. Have Your way.” There is no other answer for me. I have tried to do it my way, and He taught me surrender. I have tried a completely hands off approach, and He taught me to “take it by force”. The difference is that I am storming heaven’s gates and not haranguing my family. He is still teaching me. I will always be learning something from the Master. But He is faithful. He is patient. He is loving. As long as I am willing to both surrender my will and be violent in prayer, He will restore us. I am excited to see the work God is doing!

What is He doing in your life? Have you learned surrender? What have you had to “take by force”? If you’ll start by asking “What do you have for me, Lord,” you might be surprised. While He may not lay out a picture for you of what your life will look like, He will pull out the plumb line of His will and help you start lining things up. Be open, be surrendered, be violent in prayer. The results will be amazing!

Stop Touching Everything!

As an adult I learned of a “personality test” that helped me figure out what my “Love Language” is. Most of you who know me (or know someone who knows me) knows what I’m talking about. But if you don’t, read on.

There are 5 love languages: Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. Whichever of these languages you speak, you probably are very good at living them. Typically, if your love language is Receiving Gifts, you give them as well as you receive them. If Words of Affirmation make you feel loved, you probably affirm the people in your life. You get the idea.

There is also the possibility that you have been deeply scarred by the wrong use/negative end of the language. If you speak Quality Time then the lack of it as a child can be detrimental to your feelings of self worth. If you cherish Acts of Service but had to fend for yourself as a child, then you are probably living the polar opposite of your language.

My Love Language is Physical Touch. In my early childhood I experienced the very negative end of my love language. When I was adopted at the age of 6, I had to learn to adapt to healthy forms of touch. I think I was very resistant to ANY touch though, because I don’t remember much of it, although it may have been there. My memory is very faulty. If I had to explain it, I’d say that if the situation wasn’t hugely life altering, I didn’t focus on the event. So much of my life, to this day, is wiped clean in my memories because it wasn’t earth shattering. I remember the important stuff, like the birth of my children. But when we went to the bay and swam that one time and it was so great, you know? No. I don’t remember. So, basically, my life is great! How can I be bogged down by that one time that kid was mean to me, if I don’t remember it? And I have recovered so much from the early trauma, thanks to Mom who was my counselor, that I operate in my love language in a healthy way.

Still, there are some memories that hang in there. Like Dad tossing me in the air, or Mama giving me a squeeze. But I think, because they are associated with touch, that is why they stick. Including the memory (well, memories) of my mom saying things like “Do you have to touch every one”, “Quit touching those”, and “Stop touching everything.” (Sorry Mom 😉). I have to say, that even as an adult, I still catch myself running my hand along a clothes rack or just touching that breakable thing that I’m afraid to pick up. I loved my kids when they were little (and babysitting now) because I love hugs and snuggles and face patting.

So when I took this test (which you can find here http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) I was not surprised by the outcome. There were other categories that definitely made sense to me, but I knew physical touch would be the main one. It’s not that you can’t operate in more than one area. In fact the better rounded you are the closer the gaps between categories. But, even now, if you think about it there is probably one strikingly obvious answer. My question, though, is this: if you have an obvious answer, whether because you took the test or because one of those categories stands out to you, do you have childhood memories that reinforced your love language? Like my need to touch, then and today, do you have similar experiences? Whether it is receiving gifts, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, or physical touch, do you have moments that stand out like that?

To take it a step further, do you know your spouse’s love language? Your child’s? What have you done today to speak their language? Have they spoken yours? Language, you know, is a two way street. One needs to speak so another can understand and vice versa.

Let’s go one step farther. Your closest circle of friends. Do you know their language? Have you tried to learn? What makes them tick? I confess, I am no giant in this area. I have a lot to learn about my friends and loved ones. Hopefully, you are farther along than I am. But I’m getting there. And that’s how we’ll build community.

Self-inflicted suffering

“You will continue to suffer if you have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to you. True power is sitting back and observing everything with logic; true power is restraint. If words control you that means everyone else can control you; breathe and allow things to pass.” -Unknown

In today’s world it seems that most people are ready to be offended at the slightest thing. It’s one thing for a child to take to heart the hurtful words thrown his way, and quite another for an adult to get offended because someone else’s view doesn’t match their own.

My previous post talks about hurtful words. This post is about taking away that power. Words can only hurt you if you let them. At some point in your life, and hopefully before you become an adult, you have to realize that words are just words. And even if they hurt, you can control the power they have over you by controlling your own reaction. The only power anyone and any word can have over you is the power you give it.

I know a man who says to himself everyday “I am my own sunshine.” Don’t get me wrong, he loves God. He lives for God. But telling himself this phrase is his way of reminding himself that he does not have to let the shadows of negativity in. He can remain the calmest person in the face of the biggest meltdown. And he has seen some doozies! Regardless of the emotional whirlwind in front of him, he can stand still and let the storm pass. And he doesn’t take it personally. He’s the better for it, too.

Learning this lesson is tough. Especially in today’s world where everyone has the right to be offended and to say anything they want because, hey, free speech. Matthew 24:10 says “And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.” In the prophetic words of Jesus, we see American society today. The constant haranguing of anyone with a differing opinion, the excessive need to be right, and the constant trampling of other’s rights in order to be the right one, are all leaving an indelible impression on the next generation. Why should your child learn to “let it go” when you clearly can’t? What, exactly, do we think we are teaching our children? Yes, words hurt. But you can choose to say “that person doesn’t know what they are talking about” or “that does not apply to me, no matter what they say”. Will we teach our children to open a dialogue instead of a name-calling session? Will we teach our children, by our own actions, to put aside those words and focus on their own actions and to take responsibility for them? Teach your daughter, that little Suzy saying she’s ugly, is not only untrue, but shows just how little Suzy thinks of herself.

And teach your son that just because little Justin said he’s dumb, doesn’t make it so . . . and that punching Justin for saying it is just as wrong as Justin saying it. I believe this is why we have so many adults who throw temper tantrums over words. Come on, y’all. They’re just words. You have full control of your own actions and emotions. Take charge. And stop letting the other person control you.

What lesson are you teaching your child? How can you improve your response to hurtful words? Do have conversations about this very thing with your children? In the family, don’t just be the example. Be an example AND an instructor.

My thoughts on raising children

My niece, recently found out she’s having a boy and asked me if I had any advice in the raising of boys. This is what I told her:

1. Be consistent. If you said “no you can’t have candy right before dinner”, that needs to be the rule ALWAYS. “Let your yes be yes and your no be no” is good in this instance, although for proper context, maybe it should be “a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways.” Kids will test you 25 million times to see if your answer will always be no or yes. It needs to be. That’s how you build their trust.
2. Pick your battles. Some things aren’t worth fighting over. Let’s say that his newest thing is a contest of wills. If you tell him to go sit in the time out chair and he sits right where he is, well, that works too. He is sitting, which is the goal. Just because it’s not in the exact spot you said doesn’t mean the action didn’t happen. Ephesians 6:4
3. Be firm. You can’t worry about hurting his feelings. No one LIKES to be in trouble (Hebrews 12:11). But that’s how we learn. And don’t get drawn into an argument. YOU are the grown up, he’s a child. But, by the same token, don’t be mean. Ecclesiastes 5:6
4. If you are going to spank, use a spoon or paddle. Never your hand. You want him to be afraid of the spoon, not you. Also, discipline should NEVER be done in anger. Calm yourself down before disciplining. (Www.thegospelcoalition.org/…/seven-principles-for-angry-pa…/)
5. Love, LOVE, love! Believe it or not, there will be days you won’t like him. But you love him anyway, just like God loves you.
6. Food is not a reward or a punishment. It’s survival. Nothing more, nothing less. Don’t fall into “I’ll give you a cookie if . . .” Or “clean your plate or else . . .” There are so many other things that hold a higher importance in life. (Philippians 1:10) Don’t get me going on the psychological damage that can be caused by rewarding or withholding food.
7. Demand obedience when he’s young and it’ll be easier for him when he’s older. Ephesians 6:1-3
8. Give him chores. Appropriate ones at appropriate ages. You can find lists on Google. Chores will keep him realistic. Ecclesiastes 3:22
9. Create in him an attitude of gratitude. It makes a happier kid. And start that early. Like, as soon as he can talk. Every night before bed, when you say prayers with him, list three things you are thankful for. Encourage him to think of some as he grows. A house, food, lights . . . these are all blessings. Too many people go without any of them. And then we in America have soooooooooo much more. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, Hebrews 12:28. (Also:www.verticallivingministries.com/…/10-benefits-of-giving-t…/)
10. Dedicate him to God. Give him back, in a way, to the One who gave Him to you. It is not a baptism. It is merely a symbol of offering your child to God in the hopes that they will in turn trust in God and be trained by Him. 1 Samuel 1:11.

That’s my two cents. What is yours?

Beautiful You 

The above is an excerpt from Sir Edward Richardson’s Pamela, or Virtue Rewarded. They come from a father admonishing his daughter against pride in/becoming puffed up over her beauty, a thing she had no hand in.

When I read this bit, I was taken back to a poem I wrote in high school. I called it Beautiful to You. In it, I cried out to God, asking him to make me beautiful in His eyes. To do a work on the inside, hoping it would make me more attractive on the outside. You see, I thought I was ugly. Not just ugly, but the ugliest thing imaginable. And there were so many who just reaffirmed that. I didn’t realize how false that was until I hit adulthood.

I fell in love for the first time at 19. What a change flattery can make! Then I learned that the only interest that first love ever had in me was based entirely on my looks and how they might help him. That was just as devastating as growing up believing I was ugly. And I saw, quickly, that I could “have no praise due to me for it”.

In high school, I cried out to God for beauty. As a young adult I alternately gave Him thanks for my looks and was angry for my looks. In the end I just wanted Him to see me as beautiful, and forget the people. I yearned to hear from the One who made me. All those others who had convinced me that I was ugly, wounded me. But I would find my solace in God. And so I developed a relationship with the One who made me.

I’m sure that many of those who called me names, who went out of their way to be mean, to hurt, to laugh at me never believed that they were just expanding an already big problem for me. I know for a fact that some of them believed I thought too much of myself (I did say before that I worked very hard NOT to be so shy and introverted, that gets confused with stuck-up a lot). But the damage was done regardless.

If I could instruct every single child on the planet in one thing, it would be this: watch your words. Words DO hurt. Words can cause irreparable damage. If I had not turned to God, I think depression would have taken hold of me to such a degree that I would not have been able to escape it. And while children are mean enough to their peers, adults do just as much damage with a careless word or thoughtless tease. It seems crazy to me the number of adults in my own life who hurt me with their words. (On a side note, there is another post coming concerning the notion that, come on, they are just words.)

Let every person tell every child: You are beautiful. You are precious. You are worthy. You are loved. These should be standard phrases in the house of a child. Sadly, that is not true. If you spend any time with a child, tell them these things. But also, tell yourself these things. You need to hear it, too. Whether you are 5, 15, or 95, YOU need to hear it! You are beautiful! I thank God for a mother who encouraged me to think for myself, who gave me support, and had I confessed these feelings to her as a child, I have no doubt she would have fought like a mama bear protecting her young to keep anyone from saying anything amiss. (Unfortunately, this is probably her first time knowing it.) But I came to grips with my feelings of inadequacy, where my looks were concerned, years ago. I now hold no illusions about myself. I look like me. I look like God created me to look. It is neither beauty nor beastly. It is the me He made. And I am good with that.

If you are not good with who you are, are not happy with the Creator’s design of you, take it up with Him. He won’t change how you look, but He will change how you feel about it. In the meantime, have a listen . . .