Perspective

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Today I was late to church.

I struggled all morning and had really decided NOT to go. But about half an hour before the service started, I realized I had to be in town anyway for a couple of things and so decided to go ahead and go to church.
My struggle today had nothing to do with the time change or this allergy cold that hit me last week. My struggle today had everything to do with the fact that I was headed, once again, to a service by myself. And I just didn’t want to.


Now, I have attended church for years, primarily by myself. Most days, I just breeze right in without a thought or care of my singleness. But there are days. Days like today. Where it hits me hard. I don’t love being single. I’m in no hurry to be part of a duo, but I’m not in love with being single forever.
There were a lot of years, too, where I was married and still attended singly. If you have been in a similar situation, you can testify that it can be even MORE difficult when your soul’s desire is a helpmate to lead spiritually in the household. Someone to take your hand and say, “Let’s go to the house of the Lord.” But for the majority of my Christian walk, I go alone.


And today I was late. I walked into the service and saw a full house and wanted to cry at the thought of telling the usher I just needed one seat.
So I fled to the balcony, praying there would be seats. There were.
I had a talk with Jesus during worship. I asked forgiveness for my tooty attitude. I thanked Him for the opportunity to come to church in a country that so far has not outlawed it. And I solidified my vow that regardless of my relationship status, I serve Him, and Him only.


He reminded me that this place of worship I attend is FULL of people I know and love and that some of them love me back. I looked over the balcony wall to the congregation below and saw so many of those very people. And nearly every one of them had an empty seat next to them. He pointed out that had I not let my feelings take over, I could have found a spot. I could have sat in community with friends who also worship my God. And He reminded me this is temporary. This season is short in the grand scheme. At the end of this season, I’ll either no longer be alone or no longer be lonely. And the One who fills that spot will be there either way.

But He also reminded me that there are a multitude of people, even just in this town, that don’t attend church for this very reason. People who don’t have a community yet. People who face the daunting prospect of walking into a place where they know no one. People who walk into an unfamiliar building just hoping that someone will be friendly and hospitable and welcoming.

He reminded me that today I had not been that person that He asked me to be. I was not welcoming. I was not hospitable. I was not friendly. I had curled into myself and pouted. Certainly, we are allowed to be human. And humans have feelings. But I chose to let my feelings lead me instead of making the choice to let Him have those feelings and put Him front and center for someone else who may have felt that singleness.

He was ever so gentle. I was ever so chastised.

Lord, help me be the person You have called me to be.

Jesus CHOSE Judas

I can’t get this out of my head.  Maybe writing it here will help, if I can get it down right.  

Over the years, there have been sayings that arise from the unique situation of Jesus’s betrayer also being with Him at the last supper.  I’m sure you’ve heard “Jesus washed Judas’s feet” or “Judas ate too.”  This week I heard another and can’t stop thinking about it.  I heard someone say, “Jesus loved so well, no one knew it was Judas.”  

I have been wrecked.  

That one statement has taken me back to the very beginning of Jesus’ ministry.  I think I had just brushed over all that.  Partly because it was unthinkable to me.  But also, because these sayings center on the Passover dinner shared the night Jesus was betrayed.  My thinking was focused on one event in time.  

Until I heard the last one.  “Jesus loved so well, no one knew it was Judas.” I started thinking about how well Jesus had to love for that to be true. And we know it was true. At the last supper Jesus announced that one of them would betray Him and the disciples wanted to know who.  Even when He pointed it out, they missed it.  Maybe that was Jesus working to preserve the peace while letting Judas know that He expected the betrayal.  But I started wondering how I would have taken it.  

I think when the disciples heard that news, they started looking back in their memory, to see which of them was capable of such a thing.  I’m sure they filtered through moments in the last year or two to see who might have the ability to betray their friend, the Son of God.  And they came up with nothing. They could not find anything to point out the offender.  

Judas was obviously a very good man or a very good pretender.  

When you consider that Jesus sent the twelve out to preach the gospel and heal the sick (Matthew 10, Mark 3:16-19, Luke 6:14-16) and Judas was part of the group, you realize he was no pretender.  Even Peter tells the believers in Acts 1:15 that Judas “was one of our number and shared in our ministry.” Judas is named in every account as both one of their number and as the betrayer. Peter tells the believers in Acts that Judas had a role to fill. Each gospel points out that duality.  

But I got hung up on the fact that Jesus chose Judas.  Yes, Judas was one of the twelve.  My mind, though, goes to the fact that Jesus knew when He chose Judas.  He knew what Judas’s role was and never once let on to anyone else that it was Judas. For three years they traveled together, ate together, ministered together. Judas even had charge of the group’s money (John 13:29).  Jesus could just as easily have chosen another to keep the money.   

Jesus ate, traveled, laughed, talked, and ministered with Judas for three years. The disciples couldn’t bring one thought to mind of who could betray Jesus? 

Jesus loved Judas so well that He never treated Judas any different from the other disciples.   

I am not on Jesus’s level, of course.  But I doubt that I can do that.  Look my betrayer in the face every day and not be “off” where they were concerned?  I’m sure my human nature would break at some point and want to shun them or call them out.  It took Jesus to help me forgive those who have hurt me. Living with them every day and treating them like one of the family would take a miracle.  

It makes me realize how much work I must do.   

I have a lot of work to do to squelch my self-serving parts. I need to allow the Holy Spirit to reign in my actions and my thoughts. I have a lot of work still to do to put Jesus out front and make myself stand behind Him.  

I don’t think I will ever look at Judas the same. He’s known for being a thief and a betrayer. The One whom he betrayed loved him deeply. The love was so profound that even Peter called him one of their own. He was loved so well by Jesus that no one knew he would betray Jesus. 

I don’t want to be Judas.  

Of course I don’t want to betray Jesus. I don’t want the guilt of knowing I was loved so well and turned my back on it. I want to always see the forgiveness available and not be crushed by the guilt.  

Guilt does not have to crush us. We can turn to the One who loves us and ask Him for forgiveness and receive it.  He is ready to forgive us if we are ready to give Him our guilt. If you are living under a crushing weight of guilt, come to Jesus. Give it to Him. Pray with me: 

“Jesus, thank You for Your overwhelming love.  I need You to take this guilt from me, Lord. I’m so sorry for my actions and the things that I have done.  I ask You to take this weight from me and forgive me.  I choose You and I choose to follow You and give up the life that led me into this guilt. Thank You Lord for saving me. Amen” 

Man Never Measures Up

Have you been hurt by someone who claims to be a Christian? Do you wonder why God allows bad things to happen? Do you question if He exists based on these things?

If you’re human, your answer is probably a resounding YES!

I have a few friends, from all walks of life, who have decided that they want nothing to do with God or deny His existence based on hurts perpetrated by those who claim to know Him.  And while my heart aches for the hurt they’ve endured, I’m deeply saddened by the joy they miss out on. 

I’m no theologian, nor do I have the space here to dive into a deep philosophical discussion.  What I can do is present my experience and belief and let you be the judge. 

Humans are flawed. There is not one who is perfect, except Jesus, when He spent time on Earth as a human. Everyone else? Mistake ridden, evil hearted, self-serving, flawed people.  The only ones who have managed to take a step in a better direction are those who have a relationship with God. And even then, they are full of miscalculation, unintended slights, and general obliviousness to others’ feelings. For those people, they’ve never intended to hurt others, but it still happens. 

Well, why does God allow it? Good question. Of course, the only logical answer is that if you want all that to stop, you just have to end humanity.  Completely.  Harsh.

I’ve heard, “Well, He could just stop them from doing that.” True. But then that takes away their choice, their free will. If He takes away theirs, then it takes away yours by default. Is that really what you want?

God desires us to get to know Him, really get to know Him, by choice. What kind of relationship is it if you’re there because you have to be? How much sweeter is it, when you’re there because you want to be? Once you get introduced to Him, He wants you to make decisions based on your relationship with Him.  I would no sooner buy a car without my husband’s input than I would take a job without God’s. He desires a real relationship where He is talked with (not to), where He is consulted for decisions, and where He gets to spend time with you.  But it is your decision.  Always.  He will not brow beat you.  He will not take away your free choice to decide on Him.

On the other hand, the humans that you measure God by constantly fail.  Man will never measure up. So if you are turning your back on God because of man, your eyes are on the wrong measuring stick. 

It’s hard to live in a world where people run rampant over others and their feelings, but there is One who rules over all of it. If you let Him, He can rule over your heart.  He can help you find compassion, faith, peace, and true joy.  Better than that, He can help you grow in them.  You may find some pale, anemic form of those things without Him.   With Him, though, you can grow it tenfold!

That, my friends, should be the goal.  Grow compassion.  Grow faith.  Grow peace.  Grow joy.  Become less like the self-serving people that offend and hurt.  Become more like God,  abounding in patience and kindness.  Let God guide you into a life filled with peace and joy and understand that it IS guidance and not control. 

He isn’t doing mass manipulation. 

He’s doing individual improvement. 

So the person you’ve allowed to be the measuring stick is still in their own improvement plan. That’s assuming they’re friends with Him. Don’t let the ones who don’t measure up (as in everyone, everywhere) stop you from claiming the joy that He brings when you open up to Him. 

Everything is between you and Him. Make Him your confidant.  He’s the only one who measures up.

If you don’t know Him as your friend, start now! Pray this prayer:

Lord, thank You for caring about me.  Thank You for coming to earth, dying on the cross, raising to life, and giving me hope and a future.  Please forgive me of my sins and make me new by becoming the Lord of my heart.  I invite You to lead me each day to get to know You better.  Thank You for saving me. I pray this in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

 

You are new!

You are new!

Are you struggling with sins of the past? Do you wonder what God could ever see in you? Do you think you have too many scars to be of any value? We have all felt that way, at some point in our lives. But we have hope! God tells us that He loves us. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So His love for us never changes! Still not sure? Let me introduce you to Snuggles.

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When I was around six years old, I was given a doll as a gift. She was the most beautiful thing ever, as far as I was concerned. I didn’t even know I needed her until I met her. I loved everything about her! Her blond hair was beautiful. Her soft purple body was comforting. The mechanism that made her snuggle amazed me. I couldn’t imagine not loving her. Almost instantly (possibly that same night) I got sick and threw up on her. I was horrified! She was the best thing ever and I just made the biggest mess! On her! Then in an attempt to clean her up, it was decided to put her in the washing machine. That was a mistake. By the time she got through the washing and air drying, her snuggle mechanism was seriously affected. It no longer worked properly. And then over the years there were accidents. A tear here, a lost thread there; and her hair started getting that tangled shabby look. But I still loved her. None of the scars changed how I felt about her. She was the first doll I ever remember owning and she was special to me. That was over 40 years ago and I still have her. My friend, Carolyn, helped me straighten out her hair, removed the defective snuggle mechanism, and patched up any holes. And while she looks better, she will never look the way she did coming out of the box.

“For great is His love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the LORD.” Psalm 117:2

Do you think that those stitches on her body affected the way I felt about her? Did the missing mechanism change my feelings? Did the crazy hair change how I looked at her? Does it change how I see her now? Does it make me love her less? Absolutely not! In fact, she is more precious to me because she has survived these things! And yes, I still have her. She has been with me through multiple moves. It didn’t matter if items were lost. Lack of space was never an issue. It doesn’t matter that I am old enough now to pass her down to a grandchild when they come along. Do you know that the Lord loves you in this same way? He doesn’t see the scars. He doesn’t care how messy you are. He just loves you. You. Exactly the way you are. He loves you too much to leave you that way, but He loves you in spite of the mess and the scars.

God cherishes us. It’s even better than the way I cherish this poor 40+ year old doll. The doll has stitches, crazy hair, and a missing mechanism but I love her. And He loves us.  Each of us.  In our own way.  But He loves us too much to let us stay ragged and dirty. He loves us enough to want us to be better, to be more like Him.  Can you imagine if I had kept the doll but never washed the vomit off of her? What if I had never repaired the holes in her body? She would still be precious to me, certainly. But I can guarantee that I would not have her near me where I could smell her or see her. I am human, though. Our stench does not offend God. There is nothing that you could do, have done, or are doing that makes Him love you less.  Nothing.  But He isn’t going to leave you the way you are, either. As you come to Him (with your mess, your brokenness, and your wounds) He is faithful to meet you. He is faithful in His love for you. And He gently prods us to put away the old and become new in Him.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

I have put much repair into Snuggles. Despite this, she will never look exactly the same as when she came out of the box. We, as God’s children, have a different outcome. As we grow in God, we become more like Him. We have the eternal promise that one day, no one will be able to see our scars. When we enter heaven, we will have nothing of the old slowing us down. No shame to hold us back. No fear of people’s opinions to make us shrink into ourselves. We will be new in Christ and He will be our light! Between here and eternity, we can get a head start on letting God make us new. A daily talk with Him, time in His word are some steps we can take now. Studying who God is and who we are in Him will lead us into more life changing steps. These steps will help stitch up the broken seams, wash the filth from us, and remove the broken elements. These steps will make us into even more newness. The more of these steps you take, the less you look like the old you! The less you look like the old you, the more you look like Christ! Snuggles can never look as she did when she was new. Even if she is clean and fully repaired, that new look is lost forever. Unlike Snuggles, we have a greater hope! We can be transformed into something that doesn’t even resemble the person we once were. What a testimony! What a signal of hope to someone else who feels that their scars are too much for God.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Corinthians 5:17

Between Hope and Defeat

I literally sat between hope and defeat. 

It was the most amazing real life example to me of what I was watching on the big screen.

A friend and I had decided to go see Jesus Revolution and there weren’t many seats left. We opted for seats in between already selected ones, which put me next to a complete stranger.  The stranger was on my left, while my friend sat on my right.

It seemed as soon as the movie started, the stranger was unhappy.  He grumbled and huffed through the first half of the movie at every scene that didn’t agree with his viewpoint. I could hear him talking to the characters.  “Just go get more drugs,” he said snidely. “Well, you deserve that,” he said another time.  “Stupid” was heard repeatedly. He seemed so angry. The first half of the movie was spent listening to his ranting on my left side.

Meanwhile, my friend on my right was vocal with his “amen” and “that’s right”.  I started to get vocal as well, but mostly because the words and spirit coming at my left was bringing it out in me.  I needed to counteract all that negative oppression.

I couldn’t help but think how much of the point the stranger was missing. The movie was meant to drive home the point that we ALL are looking to fill a void.  And that void will only be filled with one thing. Like it or not, the journeys to discovering our need for Jesus are all varied, and no one person can tell anyone else what it’s supposed to look like on that journey. We have a better idea of what it should look like after we find Jesus than what it should look like before finding Him. But even that is unique to each person and can’t be cookie-cut into uniformity.

All I could hear out of the stranger on my left was condemnation and minimalization.  Had he no clue that sin is sin? That there is no such thing as degrees? Has he not heard “for we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23)? Did he never once question whether he might be the reason someone didn’t find God?  We are not to be a stumbling block (2 Cor 6:3). I wonder if he didn’t see himself in the elders of the church that were portrayed in the movie.  So sure they are right and that “those people” aren’t welcome, their attendance was dwindling, and the church was on the brink of failure.  This stranger on my left only offered defeat to the defeated and I felt sorry for him, thinking he didn’t have any idea of who Jesus really is and what the character of God is really like.

And then on my right was my friend, a ray of hope. As he watched the scenes unfold, he was offering encouragement and agreement with those who were trying to reach the lost in the movie.  He obviously felt a hope for those portrayed as hopeless, and his vocalization of it was a soothing balm compared to the contrary spirit on my other side.  I have no doubt that those who struggle would find comfort in my friend’s hopeful demeanor.  I know he gets it when it comes to the lost.  They aren’t all pretty.  They aren’t all put together.  They aren’t all perfect.  But Jesus loves them the same way as He loves my friend.  And God’s grace is just as real to him as it is to those poor souls portrayed in the film.  He points the hopeless to our Great Hope.

To sit in the middle of these two warring spirits was odd. The stranger on my left, so insistent that only the good belong.  My friend on the right, just as insistent (or rather, understanding) that there is no one good enough. It was like some cartoon of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. And it makes me wonder.  How many Christians do I know who side with the stranger? How many do I know who side with my friend? What will it take to convert the stranger, and others like him, to Jesus’s side? Why do they think Jesus primarily did His ministry outside of the synagogue? Are they content to play the role of Pharisee?

Around halfway through the movie, the stranger on my left got up and made his way out of the movie. To say the tension dropped would be an understatement. It was like going from a blizzard to a warm, sunny day in 30 seconds. And I was able to enjoy the rest of the movie.

Can I just encourage you?

If you feel like “those people” (whoever that might be to you) don’t belong in the house of God, or don’t deserve a chance to meet Him, find it in the Bible for me where Jesus himself set that standard. Knowing He traveled with women (ack!), fishermen (groan), tax collectors and former prostitutes (faint), in order to reach the ones that the Pharisees never could, should open your eyes to God’s grace. Knowing you don’t deserve that grace any more than they do because there are no degrees to sin should open your eyes to God’s mercy. In God’s eyes, there are none of “those” people. Or, better yet, there are only “those” people, and it includes you and me.

And if looking for your standard in Jesus’s actions doesn’t work out for you, then pray. Pray the Lord show you His grace. Pray He covers you with mercy. Pray He opens your eyes and your heart to receive understanding.

Because we are all ‘those” people.

Not Just the Thief of Joy

I’ve heard it several times: comparison is the thief of joy. But there’s another lesson in there.

Imagine five chairs. In those five chairs sit five people. Each person comes from a different walk of life. Each person comes from their own point of pain.

In chair number one sits A, a woman raised by a single mother, with no real father figure in the picture. She’s never experienced a daddy/daughter dance, no father to scare the bad boys away, no one to walk her down the aisle. All of these missed experiences and her personality have led her to make choices that someone with a father would never have made.

In the second chair sits B. He had a father present who he wished had disappeared like A’s dad. His own dad was an abusive alcoholic who forgot what pain he inflicted the night before. His personality and experiences led him to make choices most people with good parents would never have made.

In the third chair sits C. She had wonderful parents who loved her, cared for her, and saw to her every need. But they don’t know that her uncle molested her when she was a child. They don’t know that the experience along with her personality have weighed on her and caused her to withdraw.

In the fourth chair sits D. He has wonderful parents who loved him, cared for him, and saw to his every need. But he just lost his younger brother to cancer. They don’t understand that losing his brother along with changes to his personality have weighed on him and caused him to withdraw.

In the last chair sits E. She had wonderful parents, hasn’t lost any loved ones, is married to a wonderful man, has her own beautiful children. But she just lost her job due to downsizing. She is loud, boisterous, and annoying and no one knows she’s like that to hide her fear.

Each one of these chairs holds a person with pain. The human condition is to look at each of those chairs and compare stories to see who to feel sorry for. In your mind, there’s one that stands out as the most sorrowful and one that stands out as a whiner. Each person reading this will find the one that they connect to the most (because that’s what we do, typically. We look for common ground.) And some will even create a scale of hurt from least to greatest.

The problem is that we are so focused on the chair (their pain) that we forget to see the people. Comparison isn’t just the thief of joy, it’s also the thief of compassion.

Jesus gave us two commands: love God, love people. When we look at Jesus’ ministry, we see that while He acknowledged their situation, He always spoke to the person’s heart. We need to be careful that in following Jesus and His commands, we don’t become blinded to the hearts because of the situation.

It’s too easy to look at one and say “THAT’S what you’re hurt by?!” Because we’ve experienced something we think is “worse” or “more devastating” we pshaw the wounded soul in front of us.

Pain is pain the same way sin is sin. As in, there are no degrees or levels. A’s pain is as valid as E’s pain. B’s pain is as valid as D’s pain. C’s pain is as valid as A’s pain. Each one of those people, with their own strengths and weaknesses, is dealing with experiences that truly caused them pain. Who am I to say their pain is inconsequential? Who do I think I am to minimalize or marginalize their pain because it doesn’t match up to my version of pain?

As a Christ follower I cannot do that. If I am to love God and love people, I have to let go of comparison. I certainly do not want it to steal my joy. But more than that, I abhor the thought of comparison stealing my compassion. We live in a broken world, ruled by comparison. But His ways are not our ways and we need to be lining up with Him. If we don’t, we will lose the wounded souls before us, in their individual chairs of pain.

What are shoes?

What are shoes?

Psalm 68:19
Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation. Selah.

I woke up on Saturday, October 19th, ready to cry at the drop of a hat.

Maybe it was the stress of my life. Maybe I was just emotional. Who knows? But I was overwhelmed.

Still, it was Jesus Burger day and I was excited to share the Club 3D cards with our Jesus Burger Friends. Jesus Burger is a homeless outreach in our city. Cards from our kids church group, 1st through 6th grade, had been added to the hygiene bags that I go to hand out. They were so precious and I had prayed for the people to be blessed by the simple words of children.

I made it there just as the devotion was getting going, and the leader was saying that you couldn’t care where the people came from, what they looked like, how they talked. That none of that mattered because we were there to love them in the way that Jesus did. Now, I was already emotional, but I felt my heart just shredding at those words. I kept seeing those I had come in contact with in the past and my heart broke for all of them, one by one. Friends, do not pray “break my heart for what breaks Yours” unless you are prepared for the grief. I hurt the whole day. And while only a couple of hours was spent at Jesus Burger, the impact lasted ALL day. A week later and I was still raw. I can still, today, feel the shards of grief that are stuck like slivers in my heart.

Today Mr. Monte Wike spoke of the verse above in Psalms, how God daily loads us with benefits. But it’s like the manna from heaven for the Israelites. It is enough for the day, and yet renews each morning. All I could think was that I didn’t understand my emotions and that I didn’t even know what I needed and here’s Mr. Monte telling us that God gives us what we need-daily. Which is . . . Well, just simple minded, really. Of course God knows what I need, and daily – and it doesn’t matter if I know or not, He knows what I need.

I left the devotion thanking God that He takes care of my simple minded self and went to hand out hygiene bags. While handing out the bags, a lady approached. She is a regular there. Usually she comes with a friend, but today, she was alone. Someone asked about her friend who always comes with her and she said she had committed suicide. That was a stab through my heart.

A little bit after that a man came up and I cringed, spiritually, from him. I didn’t understand my reaction, so I pushed myself to talk to him. He was pleasant enough. But then the women started coming and it became very evident that he was their pimp. He, and his friend, avoided going anywhere near the pulpit and the singing/preaching. My spirit was angry. My heart hurt. And I was silenced by God.

A woman came up. She was wearing shoes that were 3 sizes too big. She asked for 8.5 sized shoes. There were none. My heart broke again. Jesus said “give her yours“. I argued. I didn’t have a spare set in my car. I have to go to work. I can’t go barefoot. “Give her yours“. And what am I supposed to do? “Give her yours“. I discreetly took my shoes off and said “hey, see if these will fit”. She was so excited. She tried them on. Next thing I know, she has them off, handed to a man, and is trying on another pair from . . . where? And she’s saying how God is so good as she’s walking away with the last pair on and my pair dangling from the hand of the man with her.

What the . . . But I can’t be mad. I just want to cry.

Because I don’t have it in me to be mad.

Because Jesus gave them away, not me.

Because my heart hurts.

Because God loads us daily with benefits.

Because another soul took her own life and what are shoes compared to that?

Because there are women slaved to prostitute, and what are shoes compared to that?

Because most of these I meet at Jesus Burger have no home, no washing machine, no electricity, no running water, no transportation.

And what are shoes, compared to that?

Changing God’s Mind

Changing God’s Mind

I have a question that I have been asking God for . . . oh, about 18 years now. I started asking the question when life seemed incredibly, ridiculously hard. Part of me wondered, had I brought this on myself? Part of me railed at God for not moving me out of the trials. Part of me blamed others for making my life harder.

So I asked Him. Is there a difference, Lord, between Your will and Your Perfect Will? For 18 years that question has popped up repeatedly. What have I done wrong, God? Where are You? Why are things so difficult? I’m doing what you asked. I’m attending church, I’m reading the Word, I’m praying. But, good grief, why? Why all this strife? Why all this misery? What if I had not followed my heart and chose to stop to listen to You? But what about Your influence in the path that I was on?

Dear Reader, let me tell you a story . . .

I was born originally into a house of alcoholism, abuse and neglect. These are not stories that I heard of my upbringing; these are the memories I have of my childhood. At the age of 6 I was rescued. An aunt and uncle figured out the problem and I went to live with them. All of that is a story in itself. But, escape I did, and went to live with the aunt and uncle. From now on I will refer to them as Mom and Dad.

I lived with Mom and Dad from the age of 6 to the age of 12. At the age of 12, Dad decided to leave us, so I lived with Mom until the age of 25 (basically. I mean, I had that temporary stint out on my own, but you know . . .) Anyway, all of that was angst to me until I broke free of it at 19. It took me a while. I was ungrateful, angry, resentful, and took “poor, pitiful me” to a whole other level. But God got my attention, and I started making necessary changes in my thought processes. That was when I started to become friends with God. And He and I were pals. I still made mistakes. Show me a 19 year old that doesn’t! But I was learning and leaning. I was taking in what I could. It was rough and bumpy and filled with heartache, but I knew God had my back, I knew He loved me and would never leave me.

At 24 I met a man. He is currently my husband, but when I first met him, I was not impressed. He was everything I wasn’t looking for, I was sure of it. While I had grown up in a strict household and attended a very strict church, he seemed to have not had any of that. That was all just looks, on the surface, though. As I got to know him -mostly because he kept popping up in front of me, sometimes through no fault of his own- I realized that his heart was beautiful. And I fell for the heart. I didn’t know what it meant back then but looking back now I see that we were unequally yoked. While his core principles were the same and he loved God, we were still on different playing fields. At the dumb age of 24, I just believed that it gave us depth. I could not have been more wrong. What we have now because of it, is depth. What it gave us back then was heartache.

But God had a hand in it all. I just didn’t know that until MUCH later. To hear my husband say “but I prayed for you. I prayed that God would send me someone who would love me the way I needed to be loved,” actually broke my heart. God set me on this path. He directed my steps. Yes, I was foolish and made mistakes. Yes, I brought a lot of misery on myself. But it was also already orchestrated and set in motion.

He has his own story to tell and maybe one day he will let me tell it. But for now we’ll leave it at the very basic explanation that he had trust issues. Rightfully so, I might add. But still . . . I had to account for every second I wasn’t in his presence. This was before cell phones, you youngsters, so imagine having to tell someone your whereabouts every five minutes but you have lost your phone and no one around you has one either, except that ancient land line. Yeah. Deserted island and no communication but tell me where you are! It stressed me out so much while we were engaged that I broke it off. But when he apologized, and told me that he was wrong, and that he loved me, I believed it. I knew it was true! I just didn’t realize that it wasn’t fixed. And I fell for this man like a ton of bricks, y’all. There was no one else for me. There is no one else for me. We were engaged a year, then got married in 1995. Even with the break up and reconciliation, I fought his constant insecurity and the ever present demand of my time accounting for the next 5 years. At year 3, I started really getting tired of it. I was not a toddler, I was married. He was supposed to be a partner not a jailer. Had there been any indication of abuse in his nature, I would have taken off. However, there was no such bone in his body. Only insecurity and low self-esteem. So I tolerated it. And I was so in love and afraid of confrontation that I was his doormat. Whatever he wanted to accuse me of, it was fine because it wasn’t true. But then I started making poor choices. I was staying out later after work. I was taking my time coming home because I knew it drove him crazy. I would leave the house and not say where I was going. And we would go sometimes as much as a week without talking to each other. None of these were helping my marriage. But I was depressed, and frustrated and stuck between a rock of his insecurity and a hard place of my own making. At year 7 (5 years married), I snapped. I wasn’t doing it anymore. I loved him. I had two beautiful boys by him. But I was not a doormat. Something had to change. I certainly had. Gone was the old me. The new me was scary. The new me was fierce. The new me was still going to fight, but not the way I used to. For Pete’s sake! You will know I’m mad, you will understand my point, and you will back the hell off! And he, bless his heart, had no idea what to do with new Pam. I didn’t know what to do with new Pam. I scared me. I just knew it was going to be different. I was beyond sick of it.

And then I started wondering. Had I brought this on myself? Did my failure to listen to something God might have been telling me lead me down this path? Could this heartache have been avoided by running the other way from the unequal yoking? After 18 years I am still learning the difference between God’s will and God’s Perfect Will. Part of my confusion comes from the vision I had on our third date. We had been talking. I was finally attentive because I had seen his heart, but at this point I was by no means swayed. My roommate came out to tell me something, I turned to her to listen, and when I turned back around, I had a vision. My oldest son sat on his knee. I immediately turned away again. No, God. Just no. I wasn’t ever having children. My upbringing had convinced me that you can never be sure of a partner. Or that, if you were sure of them when it was just the two of you, you couldn’t be sure once kids came along.

Needless to say, I found myself married with children and still struggling. Today, if you asked “Would I do it again?”, I don’t know what my answer would be. But since we can’t go back, I can ask myself, “What can I learn from this?” But, more often, I found myself asking “was this Your will?” And I still draw a blank sometimes. Yes, I had the vision. Does that mean that God was the orchestrator, or does that mean He took my choice and formed a plan? I’ve heard it said “well, God knows everything, even the choices we make, so He is in control of everything.” And I do believe He is in control. But I also know He gives us choices. I think He sets the choices before us, wanting us to make the one that serves Him best, but allowing us to have our desires. The only way we can be in His perfect will is if we are asking Him continuously, “what is Your choice?” And then following His guidance. Where I so often trip up is in the asking for His guidance. I’m sure that, had I asked, so many of the trials could have been avoided. Had I sought God’s guidance, I could have missed some of the misery entirely. But I think that some of it still would have been my lot, because we grow from the trials. At least, we should. If you are in the middle of difficulty and your eyes are turned toward God, you can’t help but learn. If you are facing sorrow, and you don’t ask why but ask what can I learn from this, you will definitely grow in the Lord. Are you facing a storm? In the middle of difficulty? Need an answer? Stop asking “why me?” Why you? Because everyone goes through trouble, and usually because we don’t line our choices up with God’s Word or His choices. Learn to pray “Your will be done” and to ask what His will is. Part of what we fail to understand, though, is that not only do we have freedom of choice, but so do all the other people in our sphere of influence. And just because you may be following God’s guidance, doesn’t mean that everyone else is. While we are certainly subject to the consequences of our own decisions, sometimes we are also subject to the consequences of the decisions of others. There is no limit to the ways our lives are buffeted by others. The important thing is to do your part of following after God and trust that He is looking out for you. You can do nothing about the other people and their choices, nor can you force them into doing things your way. The only thing you can do is take charge of your own emotions, and then give EVERYTHING up to God.

Can you change His mind? Sure. Read Exodus, Jeremiah, Amos, Jonah. I’m not sure it’s a true change of thought, though. It seems much more a father relenting than anything else. But the “effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” He listens to us and grants us our prayers when they line up with His true nature (love) and shine the light on His glory and Presence.

Would I change His mind, if I could go back and fervently pray for a pass? I think I possibly could have. But then it wouldn’t have been me loving my husband. It would have been someone else. And they may not have done as good a job as I have. And I wouldn’t have the two beautiful man-children that I have. Because I was NEVER having kids. I could have changed God’s mind. I’m sure of it. But even with the heartache and trauma, His plan is best. So I’ll just trust His will for my life. This isn’t the life I ordered, but it’s infinitely more beautiful and meaningful that what I picked.

What’s Your Word for 2019?

Several years ago, I was given a journal and a photocopied article from Guidepost magazine.  The article was an interview with Debbie Macomber, a writer, who discussed her tradition of having a word for the year.  Sometimes, she chose the word herself.  Sometimes, the word was given to her by a friend or loved one.  Sometimes, the word seemed to be sent from God Himself.  So taking the journal and the hint, I started trying to figure out what my word for the year would be.

There have been difficult years.  The year FORGIVENESS was my word was an agonizing year.  Trying to navigate through what God was teaching me about forgiveness had to be the most painful thing ever, up to that point.  I’ve also had HOPE, FEAR, PATIENCE, EMPATHY, and WORSHIP.  Some years, obviously, are easier than others.  Some years I have struggled with the lessons He teaches.

This year, the word for 2019 is VICTORY.  This is the hardest one yet.  How can that be, you ask?  That’s a great word!  That, my friend, is an amazing thing to look forward to! Right?  Let me explain.

For those of you who don’t know, my husband was sick, then injured, then laid off at the beginning of 2015. He decided to apply for disability due to his lupus.  Four years later, we are in the act of submitting the eighth appeal, even though his health has declined to the point that he needs oxygen 24/7 and spends as much time (if not more) in the hospital than out. In that 4 years, we lost 80% of our income and were thrown a huge curve ball by the IRS. We continue to fight for disability, deal with depression (his, mine, the kids), deal with his declining health, and try to keep us afloat in the face of bills, bills, bills.

Last July, I was faced with a TRUTH from God that shook me to my core. He showed me how I had been specifically chosen for this path. He showed me that I was the one called to this task and placed here by Him. Please don’t misunderstand me. We are all called to the path that He has laid out before us. Sometimes those paths are difficult or painful or veer off on a detour because of the choices we make, or because of the choices others make. Our God is a God of free will, but He will absolutely use the worst situations in our lives to bring about beautiful, inspiring and amazing things for us, if we let Him. How many times have you looked back and been able to see such a thing? This relationship was terrible and toxic, but see my beautiful child. Being fired from that job hurt worse than anything but look at the awesome job I have now. Truthfully, there is good that comes out of anything for those that believe in Him. It is hard sometimes to see the beauty from the ashes, but that could be because the beauty resides in the heavenly realms with God and out of our natural vision. Still, it is painful. It is hurtful. It is difficult. It is NOT FAIR! And I was faced with this sudden understanding that I had been chosen specifically for this hard path, this difficult life.

I am not blameless. Some things on this path were definitely inflicted because of my bad choices. My need to prove myself worthy or prove someone else right took over at times, and I caved to the enemy’s schemes. I could have made my life easier at times. Not by much, but still. It seems that the majority of my life has been me being buffeted about by the choices and consequences of others. And my choice, aside from those bad ones, has been to lean on God. He is my Rock. My Fortress. My ever present Help in time of trouble. And then He gave me that TRUTH. I was wounded and angry. I felt that I would have been better off remaining ignorant of His plan. And I was angry at my Maker. Most of the explosive anger has simmered down. It took me a month to even acknowledge Him. And then another month or so to speak to Him. But, like being angry with your spouse, I spoke about the day to day things and avoided the elephant in the room. Last weekend He called me on it and reminded me to forgive Him. He does, after all, have my best interests at heart.

There I was, right before Christmas. A new year around the corner, a new word, and not even interested in finding one. Pfffft! What would be the point anyway? (Note: There is always a point. Don’t be fooled.)

The week before Christmas I was reading an article online and the word VICTORY popped out at me. I mean POPPED out at me. Pffffffffffftttt! A few days later, I’m listening to the radio and some lady is talking about her journey and she talks about her VICTORY. Whatev. The Sunday before Christmas, one of our worship leaders says between songs that she feels 2019 will be the year of VICTORY for someone. She ain’t talking to me. The Sunday after New Year’s the second worship song is You Have Won the VICTORY. Really? The next Monday, I finally crack open my new study journal. The first chapter I’m supposed to read is Genesis 14 and it’s titled “The Blessing of VICTORY for God’s People.” Oookkaaaay, God? The following Wednesday, my women’s group is starting the first lesson in The Armor of God by Priscilla Shirer. The first blank I’m supposed to fill in from the video lesson is VICTORY. Ok. So how many confirmations does it take? I am perfectly aware that the word victory has probably shown up in my life on a regular basis. Is there any church or Christian unfamiliar with the word? But to have it thrown at me so much in such a short time, I had to agree, finally, that VICTORY might just be my word for 2019.

The hardest part, is that at this point in this journey, what in all of creation could VICTORY look like? Does it mean healing for my husband? Does it mean he wins his disability? Does it mean a mutually acceptable resolution with the IRS? Does it mean I won’t be working four jobs? Does it mean my oldest son will be able to find a job? Does it mean my youngest will win a scholarship? Does it mean all the work on our house might actually get done or at least begun with a hope of continuing? I have been so beat down with our circumstances and issues and battles that I cannot even imagine what VICTORY means, let alone fathom what life could look like for us in 2020.

At least I know that God has good things in store and that He has good plans for us. I also know that prayer is key and that I’m going to have to get back on the wagon. After the TRUTH came out, I kind of stepped back on the serious prayer I had been active in. Now I know that I have to jump back in with both feet because VICTORY can NOT happen WITHOUT PRAYER!

How about you? Do you have a word for 2019? Was it gifted to you by a friend? Beat over your head by God? LOL. What’s your word and how did you get it? And what action does it mean you need to take? Are you ready?

The Big Picture

Hebrews 11:1 Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for, being convinced of what we do not see.
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things WORK TOGETHER for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose,
1 Corinthians 2:9 But just as it is written, “Things that no eye has seen, or ear heard, or mind imagined, are the things God has PREPARED for those who love Him.”

Each one of us is a puzzle piece. We see our lives and know our borders. We may even see those that connect to us. And our situations are our whole view. But if you saw the bigger picture like God does, you would understand that struggle you are going through, or that valley that you are in. The only problem with this illustration is that it is a single facet of our existence and God sees the WHOLE thing. He sees the past mistakes and triumphs, the future decisions and paths, and the present predicament. Putting your trust in Jehovah-Jireh is more than believing He will provide. Jehovah-Jireh is most often interpreted as “The Lord will provide”. But the literal translation is The Lord sees as in “is seeing to it”. He is seeing the bigger picture. And our edges may have started to come apart or a piece been torn off, but we still fit into the bigger picture. We still create, when we are all connected, that image that God sees. It may change, that image, in His eyes because we have free will and may not sometimes fit in the spot He had chosen for us. It may have small gaps where we as an individual have let some hurt gouge a part of our piece in the image. But that image isn’t going away. And there isn’t anything you can do about it. Don’t want to be in the picture? You can’t NOT be. Don’t like the image you see? Then change it. You CAN choose to line up with God’s picture for your life. But you still won’t understand it all. Because you aren’t looking at the whole thing. But you can realize that your little segment is just that. Little. There is a larger design. There is a grander scheme. And understanding THAT will make the trials that much more bearable. Understanding that there is a puzzle master who is fitting the pieces together to make that image, should make you feel like nothing is pointless.

#believingisNOTseeing #DaringFaith #completetrust #highridgelv